What Would You Have Me Do?

 Answers.  I am always looking for answers but often find that the answer doesn't come. And I find that if I become greatly circumspect and increase in wisdom,  I  have been asking the wrong questions.  

So it goes with this giving up issue.  Sometimes I wish I could just go quietly into the night without all this trying fuss.  However, every time I do an exercise or display discipline in nutrition, I think of how that will be supportive of my training and success in events.  It's a reflex.  

Then I try to lay it off on God.  God wants me to be more active in the community.  God wants me to be more active in the church and its work.  Sounds good and seems good, healthy, and holy, but it doesn't come to me in the middle of a ride or run or any other exercise.  I don't dream about it at night or reflect upon it by day.  

But I do all of the above when it comes to participating in endurance sports, especially triathlon or, God forbid, another ironman. When that impulse first hits me, there is no concern that I am soon to be 81  years old.  It isn't considered I don't have a good place to train.  All I see and feel in that moment is the passion for this, that God placed in my some time ago.  It is so aligned with my faith walk that it is almost inseparable.  So why try to separate it?  God put that fire there.  Let Him work out how He can use it. Whether I will succeed or crash and burn. It's His call. I don't need to question and think through it.  I need only to embrace my calling and go to it.

And I find the right question is an answer.  "What would you have me do?"

To be or not to be an inspiration

 

In doing endurance sports I have always hoped that I was an inspiration for others to emulate.   But, the thought crossed my mind the other day, as to whether I want to be an inspiration or do I want to inspire.  I have long thought  they were the same thing but upon reflection I and see there is a big difference.  Is it something you want to be or something you want to do.  Which takes precedence.  Being an inspiration is it about me becoming something, someone to be admired.    

As a triathlete in my early eighties now, I really like it when others applaud my performance and think I am a tough old bird for my age.  Do I do it for my "old guy" pat on the back.  Do I do it for myself to in a quest for own kudos?  Can I do it without wanting attention for myself and be satisfied with inspiring others to do what they could all along: challenge their own perceived age limitations?

Upon examining true motives I have often found myself prideful, pounding on my chest like some geriatric Tarzan.  When all the time I should consider it a blessing to be healthy enough and willful enough to be this active at this age. For that alone I should be careful to mindful to be humble and grateful, not to be an inspiration but to give inspiration to others, and to give God the glory

 

Becoming the Real Deal

 In the past couple of days in talking to people I have some respect for, I heard the word "real" to describe something and someone they thought highly of. In this world of fake news and various facades, public and private, "real" stands out shining as a bright light in a dark place. To be called "the real deal" is a pretty big compliment. 

Perhaps trying to be the "real deal" and taking total responsibility for oneself is the essence of endurance sports.  In most cases, deep down endurance sports lose the posers.  It's quite real out there just you and the road.  Things get sifted out and the world becomes quite simple in those moments.  Just get me through this next mile to the next aid station.  And deep in, it's just get me to the manhole cover just down the road.   When you don't think you can take the next step.  When you don't think you can get up off the curb and you do, it is then you know.  You are the "real deal" in these moments in time.  And I think all carry off from our efforts a portion of that achieved authenticity into our being and into our normal lives. 

Avoiding Falling on the Conveyor to Nowhere

There seems to be a trend toward sameness, obesity, inactivity, lifestyle maladies, frequent doctor visits, and overmedication.  It scares me.  I see the trend, especially among those my age and I fear falling onto that conveyor belt and losing my life in the process.  It could be so easy to just let go and let life be swept away. 

But I don't think God planned it the way we have distorted it.    Though this sedentarism is the normal way of American life, it is, in my opinion,  not the natural way of life. I don't think God had sedentary plans for our lives. I get the sense that we are to be risk-takers for God at all ages.  

"For whosoever saves his life shall lose it and whosoever loses his life for my sake shall find it."  Matt 16:25

Sunday afternoon and again I can feel the adventurous spirit creeping in and want to haunting me again. Am  I "ready to be offered?"  

Give the Spirit Room to Breathe

 The day was spent out on the roads doing errands in the city.  This exhausts me more than endurance sports.  All that was left of me  just wanted to  shower and go to bed.   All the exercise I  had done this day  was  my strength and flex session before I left.  A planned indoor ride looked like a dying cause. 

Down deep there is a rebellious streak in me that just hates for the world to have its way with me.  I just have trouble letting the necessary and ordinary take away the  senseless yet extraordinary part of life.  Sometimes what makes no sense at all seems to make the most sense of all.  

I won't ride far, I thought.  Just get a ride in and salvage something from this.  So I did and it wasn't pretty- at first.   I wanted to quit after a mile and even after 10-15 minutes, I wanted that shower.

 That should  be sufficient to call it a ride.  But it wasn't and I just kept on and on until I had hit the hour I had planned on in my schedule. And, I finished really strong, leaving me wondering:  where did that come from? 

I don't have any answers to the end of this but to say:  don't always believe the present way you feel.  Give your spirit the time to stretch and breathe through sweat and determination.  You may just wrest some of the better part of yourself for yourself and give cause to smile.  

Running At Night in a Scary World

 

Running At Night in a Scary World

It was a dark night and I was glad my light was well charged and the road was fairly quiet.  Something was moving about on the road some distance ahead. Closer, closer, it is black; a dog, a deer?  A deer, no, but a calf about 300-400 pounds was walking around in the middle of the road just under a small hill.  My first thought was that I hoped a car didn’t come over that hill about then.  There would be no way for the driver to see that calf until it was too late. 

 

Almost as if I had ordered up an automobile,  headlights appeared in the distance.  Oh my!  I broke into a sprint toward the calf to try to scare it off the road.  Almost as if it had a death wish, the animal ran from me for a distance, and then got right back on the road under the hill.  It was as if this silly animal had some gravitational pull to that piece of  road under that hill.  A couple more unsuccessful attempts running around in circles chasing the calf failed to get it off the road.  Headlights beamed over the top of us as we ran around in the shadow of the hill.  The car was getting close. 

 

No time.  To the top of the hill. With my light in one hand, waving my arms back and forth overhead. The vehicle didn’t slow.  To the opposite side of the road,   I waving my  light  back and forth.  The vehicle  didn’t slow.   Pointing the light directly into the vehicle, right at the driver,  waving the beam from side to side.  Still, the vehicle did not slow down. It sped past me like I wasn’t even there.

 

Bam!  Came that special, dreadful sound of a vehicle cracking into flesh and bone.  Brakes screeched. The vehicle finally stopped. A cloud of steam hissed from it into the night.  Making a dash  down the hill to the stopped  vehicle, I could see  the front hood was caved in.  A couple hundred feet up the road lay the mangled body of the dead calf.  It was my fear someone was hurt seriously or dead, that is, besides the calf.   Not sure what I was going to see, I opened the driver’s side door.  Two young men were just sitting there, looking forward,  like they were waiting at a red light for the light to change. 

“Are you guys all right.”

“Yeah, we’re okay.”

“Didn’t you see me trying to wave you off?”

“Huh?”  They didn’t seem overly concerned.  In fact, they were pretty calm or numb.  I am not sure.  From their demeanor I could  assume something  like this pretty much happened every night.  Maybe it did.

 

There was no smell of alcohol and the young men didn’t appear  intoxicated, but I could it was pretty plain to me that I wasn’t  dealing here with God’s gift to the intelligence pool right at that moment.   Scary thing was, that I had been running in the dark on this road many times not fully aware that people like that were driving up and down it.  For sure, I knew right then that I was going to be much more careful in future; maybe even curtail my night running.

 

“Can I help you push the vehicle off the road before someone comes along and hits you?

“Huh?  Well, I guess we could if you want to.” 

 

It’s a dangerous world.

 

Taking on the Hill of Life

 

Everyone who has biked a sizable hill knows the feeling.  At first, it isn’t too bad. Momentum carries you into the first part of the incline.  “This hill ain’t so bad!”

That is sort of how it is with youth.  Things come easy.  If we are blessed the hill goes on for us, they keep coming at us.    Into the hill, the legs start to strain and the breathing is getting more labored.  The arms are having to pump harder to help out.  Now you see upon looking up that the hill seems so much longer and steeper than it did before—and harder. Yes, it gets harder almost with each step. So at this stage of life the gloves start coming off for the youth.

It goes on and on, pedal stroke upon pedal stroke and we seem to be barely moving.  Dig down.  This is where the rubber meets the road.   We are youth growing up, become men and women in the real world. 

Then, it seems, as we begin to approach the top of the hill, we reach the steepest part.  This could be middle age, facing your frailties and now diminished ability.  You have changed but he hill hasn’t.  It stands as tall, as steep, and as resolute as when you were much younger.  

Now, it gets really tough.  Dig down. Don’t walk.  It hurts!  Don’t quit!  Keep going no matter how slowly. Then there is a more level spot as the hill gives up before we do and we breathe deeply to recover our wind and smile as best we can at the beauty of  it all. It was a very good day.  I was a very good life.

 

Next Time

 

The number marked on the back of his calf told me he was in my age group.   I had passed this man just moments before.   Now he had passed me back,  running  like a man on a mission toward the finish line.  We were finishing up the Woolman Triathlon in San Angelo, Texas and just coming off the 10K run on that infamous “dirt road from hell.”  It had been a bear and I was pretty well done in.  Hoping he would just crater and have to walk, I just let him go on for about a hundred yards.  But, soon I realized he wasn’t going to fade.   Digging down deep, all I could muster,  seemed  barely to  quicken my pace.  My body was just spent. Yet, I pushed it for all it was worth and I could tell I was slowly gaining.  I was gaining!  But, the man would not quit.  I could tell my paltry effort was  going to be too little, too late.  He was going to beat me!

 

I can’t catch this guy !!  The legs won’t turn over any faster!  This really hurts and I am not gaining that much on him anymore!  Oh my, he’s close.  He just crossed the line!  Wish I could have caught him!  He might be the one who keeps me from placing in my age group.

I should have pushed a little harder.  Maybe if I had trained a little harder; raced a little smarter. done the transition quicker.  Maybe if.....

 

This guy had beaten me by a matter of a  few seconds.  Both of us completely spent, we walked around the finish line area together trying to get our breath back. He had had a good race and my hand thrust out to him in congratulations.

 

“I was trying real hard to catch you right there.”

“I know.  I could feel you coming.”

“I just didn’t have enough left and you did.”

“Next time.” 

 

We shook hands, smiled at each other, and walked away.  Yeah, next time, I thought.  Just you wait until next time.  Next time I will be better prepared; next time I will be in better shape and next time, will be my time. Truth is, I have never seen this man again. But, the vision of  “next time” still drives my training days.  I just know there  will be  plenty of others out there on the courses  to provide   inspiration, motivation, and validation for my “next time.”  

 

 

Facing the Bike Wreck Fear.

 Two years ago today, I had the worst bike wreck of my life.  No, I didn't seek medical attention but I surmised I had a broken rib, a severely sprained wrist, a torn shoulder, and fell badly on my already bad knee.  Sleeping was sporadic and hard to come by due to the various points of pain. Getting out of bed was a gut check of pain endurance. I stayed in a recliner for the first few nights.  

Much has happened since then.  I have not yet got back to regular road riding.  There is still a residual fear when I get on the road bike. I know the best way to put this fear to bed is to face it and ride more on the road.  But knowing and doing are two separate entities. 

God, in His Word, says, "Fear not" a bunch of times.  I am beginning to think that facing that fear might just be an act of faith, or an act of obedience or both. So self:

"Live boldly. Take risks. Surround yourself with like-minded people. Trust in God’s plan. Have the courage to be happy."

 

Listen to the Body - Or Not

 Listen to your body they say.  I say - that is only partly true.   

My opinion -   Yeah, when it screams pain, you need to listen.  When you are extending it past the good recovery process, and you know it, you might want to listen to the body.  Or, maybe you don't. 

Over 40 years of this tells me that my body is lazy.  My body is pure creature, craving comfort and ease. My body would never do anything unless I made it to and it would become completely sedentary and dedicated to rapid atrophy. Left to its own will, the body would kill itself with me in it, with its cravings for ease and comfort. 

The body doesn't have a brain of its own.  It only responds to satisfying its own desires even if it kills itself.  It doesn't think ahead.  It doesn't consider the consequences of its inaction.  The bottom line is the body may be talking but it doesn't have a brain.  Would you listen to someone without a brain?  

The last three mornings I went out to do my mountain bike ride and a short brick run.  And each morning, I almost quit the first fifteen minutes into it.  The body was moaning and groaning, complaining that I was pushing it too hard with too much too soon, complaining about the heat and how I might mess myself up in this heat if I didn't find a cool place to hide out from effort.  And then it reminds me how old I am and how I should be taking it easy, not pushing in this heat   Yes, the body may be talking but it doesn't have a brain.  Sounds like some people I have met.  

I'm the one with a brain.  I'm the one who makes the decision "to be or not to be."  Anybody can cave into comfort and listen to your body.  And you and I have the brain to decide:   do we want to be just anybody?

Now, I Know What to Pray

 Self-sufficiency comes with a price.   Several people we have had to come work on the place say that we have what everyone wants; a quiet place in the country.  However, nothing stops anyone from having it except a deep down "want it."  Out here in the country, you have to put out a lot of work and be able to figure things out. There is a lot to be done on your own and there are a lot of downsides to it. Most want the benefits of country living without paying the full price.  It is like the story of the husband listening to his wife playing the piano.  He remarks how beautifully she plays and he says he wished he could play like that.  She replies. "well obviously, not enough to practice at it."

Most people don't truly pursue what they say they wish for. Most don't even try. I say all that to say this:  I count myself among those "I wishers." I say I am a triathlete but I haven't done one in years.  I say I want to do an ironman but at my age I can find a ready excuse to not to even try.  

The benefit of all this is  I see other "I wishers." and it enable me to see my own weakness and faults.  At least I learned something in my folly and I thank God for the self-revelation and pray that I may become  the pianist who plays well because I practiced.  I can pray to overcome my lesser self.  Now I know what to pray. Thanks God.

Check and Renew

 Got in over 3  hours of training plus a weight and flexibility work yesterday and this morning on a mountain bike ride I just bonked after a short time.  I didn't see that coming. 

After a records recheck, I could see why.  My workout yesterday was out of my usual comfort zone.  And the last time I did that much I did a very light workout the next day.  

As the Bible says, "The truth shall make you free."  However, if you don't hold the "truth" in memory, it gets lost in the maze of everyday life and expectations.  Knowing the truth from an infrequent encounter is not the same as using the truth God gives us for everyday guidance.  The truth about truth is  we either "use it or lose it."   We can't ignore the truths in life any more than we can ignore the need to exercise without negative consequences.

The truth is like a bike light you can let the battery go dead and forget to check and renew and the next time you need it, you are in the dark So, the lesson from a bonk:  the truth is the path/  Stay with it, refresh it and keep free from going off course.  Check and renew often.  "The truth shall set you free."

Special Moments

 This morning I did an 8 1/2 mile mountain bike ride in my woods. Stopped a couple times for a drink and back in those woods, it was stifling.  

However, when I  came in and put the bike up, and sat down down on my front porch, my wife, came out with a cold beer she had put in the freezer (non-alcoholic) for me...Ice crystals and all YES !    Sitting there reveling in the moment  I took it all in ...the good ride, the quiet setting, the beautiful gesture, the great day, all of it.  Praise God!!

This is a moment to hold close.  And I am grateful for them as long as they last.  Thank God

Heat and Humidity

 Worked on my septic system for a while this morning.  Digging and patching up the tank.  Not a dry thread on me.  The heat and humidity were abysmal.  While I have had some regrets over not doing Waco facing down this heat and humidity to do long runs wasn't something I am going to miss. Yesterday consisted of completing the debris (limbs) removal from all the previous storms so my friend can come mow with his tractor and batwing mower.  People want quiet places in the country but in my world that comes with a price.  But, it's worth it overall.  Hot and humid yesterday as well.  

The residual fatigue is pretty debilitating, but probably not as much as trying to do serious training in this sauna.  

Race day I might miss Ironman Waco 70.3, but right now, not so much.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - THE END

It's done.  I withdrew this morning.  It was hard but it might be later.  I am so tapped out, so disappointed, so ready for rest.  It doesn't seem so bad to get off this train.  It was good to be trying to get on track for a month.  I would have never gotten through this far without God.  If nothing else, I learned to trust Him more through all t this. And, I trust Him for the rest of my story beyond this event.  

Will my story go on? I am not sure.  In this foggy state of heat induced fatigue, I think I would be more comfortable not doing anything challenging again.  It will be interesting to see how this all fleshes out whtn the other person wakes up ans sees what I have  done. 

It's all in God's hands now.  It always was.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 29-30

 I almost wrote this blog was the end of the journey but couldn't or didn't do it.  Maybe tomorrow.  It seems the farther I slide down the  hill on the will to go on, the more I seem to bounce back with more effort and planning. This could be a gift from God and an indication that I should go on.  But then again, it could be just my stubborn pride not letting me let go and do the best thing.  Right now, I don't know which it is and I am just going to go on; one more day, maybe one more week. 

Then again, isn't this fun, riding against the wind.  How can I fail? No one expects an old creeper to do this.  The worst that can be is that I have had a good wrestling match and stretch myself to go farther than I thought I might.  The other option is I could have better used that time watching the news, getting angry and experiencing various ways to feel really depressed and fearful. 

So I go on until I get the clear sound from God to quit, I 'll just follow the  trumpet sound to charge on with my training.  Thank you God however this turns out, it has been a great experience. 

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 27-28

 Well, I am back in stagger mode, wanting to quit so bad but just can't seem to say, "enough." The long runs and the long outside bike rides seem so daunting to get in and the "want-to" isn't showing up to push me out of the house. 

Probably, there needs to be a date set with certain practices accomplished  for a "yes or no go on" decision.  I guess I am truly in over my head on a personal level in trying to do this.  Do  you suppose I have gotten soft and scared?  My knee always reminds me how fragile this all is. It could go south at any moment. Do you suppose I don't want to invest all this long and hot training for something that stands a better than even chance of blowing up in my face? Or, have I finally gotten old, and know it and feel it but won't admit it? 

Yesterday was more working outside plus an hour on my trainer bike plus a bad boy weight and flexibility session for about 45 minutes.  I  haven't stopped by any stretch but I am staggering and would love to hear from God on this one way or the other.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 26 - What's Up?

 Yesterday I did a 3 hour plus bike trainer ride on Zwift.  That was good for me.  I got faster and stronger as it progressed.  So what's up?  Am I farther along than I give myself credit for?  Plus right before the 3 hour ride, I did the Bad Boy strength and weight session.  That took about an hour.  Not a bad day for an older guy or a younger guy either for that matter.  

It makes me wonder maybe I am running out of excuses to fail.  Today I don't feel too bad and that is surprising too. So what's up?  My nutrition has been pretty good and maybe that adds to the positive mix.    I don't mean to draw a lot of abuse here, but I do eat a plant based diet.    For me that is no meat, dairy, eggs, fish and minimal processed foods and watch the sugar.  I know there are all kinds of allegedly better meat-eating plans out there, but this works beautifully for me.  I don't take medicine of any sort on any regular basis.  I can do most of what I could do at 20.  My thinking seems Ok...but that can be suspect since I don't eat meat.  Got to be crazy, right?  

Mentally, little by little I am coming around to being able to more often let things go and train first.  That's a tough corner for me but I am making the turn, and I can feel that and it feels good. 

 So, this is a positive report for a change.  I still don't see how in the world I am going to make it but I will just have to be content knowing God knows the end of my story. I just have to  let that go and go train.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Days 24-25

 Got in a swim this afternoon.  1.2 miles  without stopping.  That's race distance.  However, it is a bit slower than times before my year of absence from swimming.  I feel good about it, but I still don't feel good about my chances to get this bike and run training in like I should.  Prayers have been said about this and all that has come out it is that somehow I just can't quit just yet.  

There have been no days off in almost 40 days and that probably why I feel so tapped out all the time.  However, I am not sure I can get  started again if I stop.  That is how it was running marathons.  If I ever walked just once, it was mostly walking from then on. So, it seems that taking a day of has the same results as quitting altogether. So, I would just as soon quit as take a day off.  If I just quit I could go straight to downtime and not pass go, whereas taking a day off would take more time, pain, and effort before I just quit.  Why not take the easy way out if you want out? 

It has been raining all week and next week promises better weather.  The good weather week will tell the tale on my training.  Buti, I will continue to pray .

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Days 23

 Waking up at night I just about decide that I am not going to try to do this half ironman.  In the darkness I can't see how I am going to get the right training done and I seriously question why I want to do this beast in the first place.  

I feel very old in the middle of the night; too old for all this.  Then I go over how to write that last blog on this venture.  It's a midnight dive into resignation and despair.  Mornings are not much better.  In fact, it is almost noon before I get my "maybe I can do this" revived at all.  

What can I say?  I am teeter tottering on the brink of adventure extinction.  But tonight, on my bike trainer I just killed it.  Great ride.  It was easy to say that my fitness has improved by all this.  That's good and bad because  more confusion and indecision are thrown in the mix.  "Maybe"  is still alive.  Why won't it go ahead and die?  I'm gonna pray about this. And let's see what happens at midnight tonight. 

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Days 22

 My legs are sore from treadmill work. I feel like this is getting the best of me.  Running times for me is a little depressing.  The pace I want to hold is quite taxing.  OK, too old, washed up and done.  So back off and quit.  But I'm not thinking that.  In fact, I'm sort  of angry about it.  Right now, I don't want to quit.  I want to bury myself in workouts and drive the demons from my athletic life. 

I saw a man today that I have known a long time.  We are the same age.  He was so spindly and emaciated that I barely recognized him.  It made me want to try harder not to go there, to spend my last remaining days among the walking wounded.  I want to live until I die so I stay away from doctors and medications as much as I can. I eat a plant-based diet. I do some sort of exercise every day.  Plus, I try to focus on not going down that well-trod mental path for old guys, following the script written by others of what old men should be trying to do.  And I pray to God to give me strength.  I pray and looked toward His peace with it all. That said it's time to get busy and finish the rest of the day's training.  I must go on. Something may be gaining on me.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Days, 20, 21

 Three weeks and I haven't quit yet.  So much has come against me.  Most of it is other people and outside work responsibilities.  Plus, the heat and humidity melt what resolve I have.  I am tired.  That's it.  It's here.  

It's not like I shouldn't expect this.  Ironman training is not a day at the theme park.  Now I remember how brutal and debilitating this can be.   and I can look back and think "how did I get through all this before?  I am somewhat amazed at my former self. 

Maybe that's it? Maybe I want that picture back I had of myself before. Perhaps, I want amaze myself?  Perhaps I looking for a good reason to admire myself?  There is satisfaction in mowing the grass and getting things done outside but its not self-amazing.   I am old, they say.  Perhaps I am not satisfied with a life of passionless sameness, and low expectations that being this age is supposed to bring with it.  Maybe I am not really that old yet?  Perhaps I still need to make memories of   overcoming days that bring smiles of pleasant reflection, to know that who I was, I still am.  Thank you God

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 19

 Still here,   Today we had rain andit was  partly cloudy so I took the chance to work on my septic system.  Lots of digging and pulling, involved, sort of a real-life CrossFit thing.  I did my flex workout before all the digging and when it was all over, a bath and a big meal were in order.   

This whole heat training thing must have me broken down some because I laid out on the floor after the bath and slept like death.   I woke up knowing that  I needed to get in some training for today but the body and mind and spirit joined in open revolt.  Take the day off they screamed.  I almost did.  But then I thought, this is  where endurance really is.   It is in the getting up and facing down the fatigue, and the don't want to that haunts us all at some point.  This is the defining practice of our sport. It is my only gift:  I can take a lot of abuse and usually get up and keep moving forward. That's it. Nothing fancy.   That's all I got.  So, I went about training my only gift.  

Got on my indoor bike and a few hundred pedal strokes sent the doldrums scurrying for cover and I had a great ride.  Thank you, God.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 18

 The heat index here seems to stay over a hundred.  Did I expect any different?  It seems to be taking its toll on my on my runs.  Afterward, I am  just done.  For instance,  after my hour run this morning, when I finally got cool, I was just done.   Maybe 80 is too old for this sport.?  Maybe God is just showing me so I won't question and won't whine about having to give this beast up?  I don't know.  Another day of full realization that I am truly in over my head.  

I got in a short indoor bike ride and did a full body weight, strength, and flexibility session.  So I guess it wasn't too bad.  Truth be said, I really want to quit about now.  I don't know, maybe age 80 makes me war weary and I am ready to settle in with no more wars.  I have been at this endurance sports thing for over 40 years.  

I try not to make any decisions when I am tired or discouraged or haven't prayed about it. There is a consideration to do another half ironman ( Oilman Triathlon  November 10th)  about a month later than Waco 70.3.  It would give me time in cooler weather to prepare and perhaps have a better chance.  It's a thought.  But I am very tired, somewhat discouraged, and haven't  prayed much about it.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 17

 I'm still here.  Believe it or not. Got in a run of a little over an hour and in this heat and humidity, that's a biggie.  I weighed before and after the run and afterward, I had lost 5 pounds.  I wouldn't recommend it for a weight-loss technique though. 

So no, this is not my resignation letter.  One more step, one more day.  Giving it to God because I can see quite vividly that I am in way over my head here.  

A scripture comes to mind:   Isaiah 46:4:

An even to your old age I am He: and even to the hoar (gray) hairs will I carry, and I will deliver you.

Carry me Lord.  It's hot out there and I want to go on.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 15-16

 Seems like all this is in stagger mode. It is getting hard to find the want to.  The heat and humidity are really bad and I get all tapped out and drained from it.  It is a rough year for this with all the previous rains we've had here.   The humidity is a monster. It is all beginning to seem like such a waste of effort.  There is such gravity to drop down and drop out.  Don't be surprised if the post from the next day is a resignation letter. 

I have done the race distance on the swim and that will be OK, I  think.  The run?  There have been no long runs and no long outdoor bike rides.  My rides have been indoors with the max at 2 hours.  How to get all    this done in this sweltering heat is a real problem.  Doubts and more doubts.  

Maybe I am too old for this game now?  Maybe this is all just a pie-in-the-sky wishful dreaming of an old guy who doesn't want to face his aging,  instead of a real plan ?  

Today, the only thing to do is to take the next step and let God tell me when to quit...........................or not.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 14

 I am really tired and "want to" has left the building.  Oh my, but these are the days that try me and can break me.  So, it is a huge temptation to resist;  today I want to quit.  Today, I could easily settle for a sedentary life of lethargy and think I would be happy doing it.  

This is where the benefit of experience shows up.   The moment says "forget all this." But the battered spirit says, "give yourself time.  You've been here before.  This will pass."  It is so easy to forget that I had a couple hard run and bike efforts yesterday plus worked digging on our septic system in the heat.  It is easy to forget what you did yesterday to bring you to this level of fatigue and easy to ignore the Hope for tomorrow that is offered.   

In the beginning I  asked for God to take this training over.  So if I am supposed to be tired and  have been set up to rest  today, OK.   Maybe I should do that?  Then I'll wait for plans for tomorrow.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 14-15

 Two weeks and I  haven't quit yet.  Lots of things have come against this effort but thing always do come  up we I want to commit to something full on and all out. Through it all I get the feeling I am building some slight momentum.  I have stumbled and doubted but not fallen yet. I have lit a match in the darkness, it seems.  

Yes, there is a change, ever so slight.  The ability to say "no" to some things as increased slightly.  Thats a plus in all of life.  Perhaps, this kind of growth is what this journey is in large part about.  

I did a good indoor bike the last two nights and a good run yesterday and good interval-type treadmill run today.  The times really stink but I trust God for growth there. I need to get out on the road and take the risk on my road bike. 

I have the support of my wife who tells me to "do it, try it, however it turns out. Its who you are and what you want to do." Yeah, how can I fail except by not trying.  Thank you Lord. 

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 13

 The hurricane gets center stage. Lots of homes still have no power.  Lots of businesses are shut down due to no power.  The Internet has been off and on and I haven't posted as planned.

The  upside is that I did an almost hour and half run and boy that felt right. It was a little cooler with breeze post hurricane, and that was a blessing.  

Still, so much other stuff seems to keep me from pushing on and getting this done.  Truth is, I don't know if I can do the training necessary.  I am flying blind, depending on God, is about all I can say. 

It is getting on two weeks of this and I feel pretty good, but I  haven't taken myself very deep into training either.  So there is a suspense to this wondering when and if the axe will fall.  But, to say again, I am most grateful for this journey, this outer edge experience for one so long on this earth.  No matter what, Praise God.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - (Running in a Hurricane) Day 12

 The eye of a hurricane was over us today.  Lots of wind and rain.  Nature doesn't care that I need to train.  But, nature didn't keep me from getting in a short run in the rain this morning before the rest of the bad stuff hit. That felt good to steal the show if only for a moment. 

This isn't new.  I have always loved running in the rain.   There is something liberating about it that I can't explain.  This is the second hurricane I have ran in.  You would think I would be all grown up by now.  But, I hope I don't ever.  Childishness in endurance sports really makes me feel alive.  Thank you God for storms, hard climbs, and rough courses.  

That said, I need to get busy with today's training.  There has been too much slack time and weak excuses.  

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 11

 My biggest training day of the week which isn't saying much.  And, to celebrate my one good day, I torpedo my nutrition by eating a ton of jellybeans and then a quantity of ice cream.  I wonder about my sanity sometimes.  Do I need a shrink? 

Down to earth time.  I may be 80 years old and still doing a lot of things I did fifty years ago, but times like these take me down a peg and remind me that I am so terribly human.  It reminds me too thaty there are probably lots of people trying to improve their health, their weight, their performance and facing the same impulses to self-harm that are so human. It's a war out there and my biggest opponent looks back at me in the mirror every morning. "We have met the enemy and he is us."

The only thing I know to do with this is to get up and fight my way out of the corner. If I need a reason not to yield to future negative impulses, I could use the memory of the way I feel now to combat my cravings.

Sometimes I think God uses things like this to humble us and drive us to our knees in prayer then urge us  get up and "run the race He has set before us."

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 10

 More bad news.  My new watch says my run time is so bad that it is not reasonable to think I can make the race cut-off.  It's the first time I have used my new watch and my only hope is that the watch was a terribly bad deal and it is horribly wrong.  I hoping I really got ripped off on this watch.  Otherwise, I need to stop this foolishness and take up  putt-putt golf or something else like that. I would have to be a pro cyclist to compensate for the pitiful run speed and make the course cut-off.  

Today the heat wasn't off the charts but humidity was.  The hour run was another sweatfest.  This stuff is  hard. About now I am flat on my back on this journey.  But now that I am flat on my back, I can only look up.  Up is where the Hope is. 

Perhaps, I should trust God more and worry less about not making the cut-off?   Perhaps, this effort is to be just that, an effort along a rewarding journey?  Making the cut-offs may not be the big reason for this effort because I am doing it with God, my mentor, the strength I lean upon and depend upon.  It's a journey with God.  Enjoy the trip. The cut-off will take care of itself. Smile through  the pain, sweat, and  discomfort.  You are with God.  God loves you.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 8 and Day 9

 Just didn't get the post out here and another day happened.  This is an "easy week" and it stinks. Taking  it easy has allowed all kinds of other duties to get in the mix.  End of story is that I still feel tired from all the work and the oppressive humidity and heat, leaving me sapped of strength.  No wonder I don't take many days off.  Seems I can't handIe days off.   It's pretty obvious  I  don't have the discipline for resting and recovering.  

I did get in a sweatfest run of an hour and ten minutes  a couple of days ago.  The heat drained me down and I could feel the residual effects a long time. 

Really, right now along this journey, it doesn't look good for the home team.  I will pray.  Maybe a few hands clapping would keep my sprits elevated sufficiently to get past these bad patches alone this journey.  

But, I am 80 years old and not many my age get to live like this.  Not many get the opportunity to have this journey, to succeed wonderfully or to fail miserably.  I praise God for this journey whatever the result.  I am so blessed.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 7

 Day 7.  This makes a week and I haven't bailed yet.  Maybe I do have a little courage left in this old psyche after all. Yeah, I've actually made a week without quitting.  I won't say it didn't cross my mind a couple times. 

I can remember in a marathon and thinking I'm done.  I can't take another step.  But something inside said, "Yes you can. Just take one more step."  I did, then fought myself to take another and managed to finish the marathon. It wasn't pretty but it was one of my "finest hours."  

I guess that's what I am looking for here among a lot of other things,  to have the courage to go on as far as courage can take me and have another "finest hour," and another "well-done" from God.  Maybe when this is over I will have a little different vision of myself.?

Today was another easy day on an easy week.  I did my weight/strength/flex exercises and did a hard bike ride.  I guess that knowing I wasn't going to ride that long brought out the beast in me and I hammered the course on my indoor trainer. Seems I have enthusiasm to go with more courage, and as long as that lasts, I am graterful.  A good day.  Thanks God.

below:  the link for the beginning of this journey.

https://draft.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/5768864484024943517/7734551309800761232

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 6

 An easier day, I guess.  Since the last three weeks have been a lot heavier than most other times during this year, I thought it time to back off a bit.  

It's my usual way to go from can to can't when I decide to do something. That's works against me sometimes. I don't know how many times at  this time of the year, training for fall endurance sports, that I l lived in a state of exhaustion and brain-dead thinking.  The heat and the training pretty well tap me out most years There isn't a lot left for others or myself.  Then I am forced to take a day off or two.  But the training doesn't get going again because I have taken myself in way too deep and the fatigue doesn't just go away at the first invitation. 

Today, I did the "bad boy" weight, strength and flexibility exercise session.  In that are 60 push-ups.  It is amazing how much easier that gets as I continue this regimen.  Last year I did 81 push-ups on my 80th birthday  (the one extra push-up was for next year in case I am no longer living). 

I also went to the  health club to try out using a treadmill. It worked pretty good.  My knee started hurting midway through but gave up and settled in to doing its duty. I think this is going to work out to maintain a faster run.  

Came  home and did 30 minute plus bike ride with some hard intervals, then got on the tractor and started on some work I have been putting off.  

And that was my easy day.  This may not work out for Ironman Waco 70.3 but even if it doesn't I am enjoying the journey.  Praise God.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 5

 Not a bad day. Did the "Bad Boy" workout with weights, push-ups, planks and a long list of other exercises. It takes a little over an hour but I don't count it toward the total hours of training for the week. I did a 2 hour plus indoor trainer ride and got intense with it toward the end. Yeah, I feel good about it. 

Cannot help but wonder how I will bear up when training ramps up a notch.  This will probably be my best week of the year, but this has been quite the year of setbacks.  Storms, floods, flooded in, COVID, the flu, a tree fell on the house, outdoor plumbing tore up, the air conditioning went out, our well quit and the brakes started screaming like the wheels were coming apart. Nothing has happened in the last few days.  We will see.

I have thought about it, but I am surprised I have not pulled the plug and given up yet.  It would be very easy.  Who would really know or care except my wife.  She thinks I can do it.  Silly girl, seems to see me larger than life.  I guess a goal would be to become the person she thinks I am.

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 4

 Another good day.  Did a sweaty run this morning and an indoor bike ride this afternoon.  I did a flex session this morning as well.    

For the life of me, I just can't see how this is going to work.  Divine intervention is all I can hope for and maybe God wants me to get to this stand of reality so He can use me.  I don't pretend to know God's plans and will resign myself to letting  Him make mine.  

It still doesn't seem like training, I guess because I don't have a plan.  I am doing t he work but I don't have a plan.  I feel vulnerable.  I guess that might me cause for some of fear in the world.  It would seem most don't have a plan.  We just go about eating, drinking, and procreating like cattle on a pasture.  Maybe the best cure for fear and wantonness is to give it to God?  Maybe I am the broken enough point to do that.  I'll pray about this.  There!  See I already have a plan  

An 80 Year Old's Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th - Day 2

 Lots of other things going on.  Life happens.  But, I did get the "Bad Boy" done.  "Bad Boy" is what I call  my hardest and longest strength and flexibility session - about an hour nonstop.  Later that day did a 2 hr and 10 minute ride on my indoor trainer. It wasn't a high-five day but I feel satisfied with it considering everything.

Somehow I feel this is an uphill battle.  I look forward to the day when I feel the rhythm of training again like I did for Ironman Texas in 2017  I need some outdoor rides and longer runs.  I wrote I would try to put something out daily.  It' late.  I am tired.   God bless 

Beginning - The Journey Toward Ironman Waco 70.3 Oct 6th

 

Here's the plan.  Ironman Waco 70.3, October 6, 2024.  

I am going for it. It is going to be a tall order for an 80 year old, with a bum left knee.  It is my plan to try to post daily on this effort, regardless how boring, repetitious, and uninteresting as the training day might have been.  

The vision of this won't let me loose so I am taking this as far as I can.   Every  training day completed will be a gift from God.  I will take these days on and go as far as I can with it.  If I make it all the way for the event  - major miracle - I will be over the moon. But in this heat and humidity, whatever journey I can accomplish will be a blessing.  

I have added all this up and it doesn't look good but I  have to try.  It has been a few years since I tried anything that could inflict severe pain and defeat upon me.  I feel the calling to the quest, no matter how far I make on that  journey.   

I know.  I am too old for this.  But what do I have to lose at 80 years old anyway.    It will be hard.  It's hard already and I can either "cry in the storm or dance in the rain."  Never been a good dancer but I'm training for it.

Today's Training  

 I did my strength/flex session and ran for 52 minutes.  (goal 3 hours 30 minutes). 

Will do an indoor bike session for an hour (goal 4  hours)  

I swam essentially race distance yesterday.

The Worst of Days

The worst week in many, many years.  I just turned everything loose and let it go. Not much athletically was accomplished except I kept up my flexibility and weight regimen.  Something wouldn't let me give in  completely.  It didn't all fall.  For me it is quite certain this half hearted lifestyle can ever be made peace with and followed as a plan (or no plan) for life. There is the caged feeling to be dealt with and pacing the bars of the cage has left me so restless.  

Maybe no one notices but I keenly sense it:  I am not myself.  How many others out there face this down themselves?   The strange country visited with myself this past week has shown me that even at age 80 "I won't go gentle into the night"  

There was a lot learned from last week.  Failure and down times has shown me that my training is an important  connection to God  in my life.  It is hard to believe He wants any of us to settle for less than what we can do.   Realizing all that, no, it wasn't the worst of days.

You Are Not Treading Water in Life Anymore

 It's the discipline that I miss.  It's the purposeful pursuit of excellence with myself I so miss.   Without the discipline, life is a bit rudderless.  Oh, there are things to do, causes to follow, goals to achieve, but none exerts the personal discipline I have found in training for endurance sports. 

It demands a certain truth, from ourselves about ourselves.    I either did the workout or I didn't.  I am either on schedule or not. I am all I can be or I am letting myself off the hook.  And that is glaringly apparent.  There is no hiding out. You can't fake yourself into shape enough to do an ironman.  The training demands to be done, no excuses.

The very nature of training is one of personal responsibility and certainly,  this world needs a big dose of that.  Training makes you different.  You are not going along in life marking time from Monday to hump day, to "thank God it's Friday."  Those days mean something on this journey. You are not treading water in life anymore.  The discipline, yeah, I miss it.  

In the Moment With God

 

In doing endurance sports I have always hoped that I was an inspiration for others to emulate.   However, this thought crossed my mind the other day:  do I want to be an inspiration or do I want to inspire.  Often I thought they were the same thing.   But  being an inspiration, isn't that about me becoming something rather than specifically about others being inspired?  As an old triathlete do I really like it when others applaud my performance because of my age and I consequently feel like a tough old bird for my age?  Or, do I do it so others might be inspired to challenge their own perceived age limitations, whether it be age, physicality, or whatever

Upon examining true motives I have often found myself prideful-pounding on my chest like some geriatric Tarzan.  There is a scripture that says something to the effect, “Search me O God and know my heart:  try me and know my thoughts.” (Psalm 139:23)  That is a scary proposition.  It would be a lot easier and less painful to work on the faults of someone else.  But I have found that my greatest times of personal and spiritual growth occur after I have sincerely asked God to “fix me, fix me!”

I would love to do another ironman.  That would be quite satisfying and uplifting but to make life complete, I only have to be grateful and giving, completely in life, in the moment with God.

 

Just Begin ------AGAIN !!

• The week was getting away from me, again.  Hold on. I need to get that training in.   But I feel so whipped on so many levels.  The internal dialogue continued. "Fix your water bottles for the ride" "But" "Just begin, Marv. You'll never make it happen unless you begin. Come on, take the first step.  Begin.  "How am I going to do this with all I have coming against me?" 
• "Just begin." That was the same conversation I had with myself in a previous post by when I did my half-ironman distance event.  The water was so cold. My doubts were working overtime on my confidence. My thoughts became, "Come on, let's just begin."
•  http://milesofthejourney.blogspot.com/2010/11/put-your-face-into-it-and-move-on.html 
•  
• I feel like a fool for signing up for Ironman Waco 70.3, but I did.  It's not my first act of stupidity.  After over 40 years of this stuff and having faced this same struggle many times, I  know that if I will just take that first step; just start the momentum, I can usually get the job done. And sometimes, unexpectedly, I might have a great day, a great workout that will make it all worth it.   
• 
  
• If I had only one piece of advice to give to those considering entering the endurance fitness arena, it would be this: just begin. Step into the water. You just might surprise yourself.

Sweating Out Ironman Fever

 I believe it was Thoreau that wrote something to the effect that "a man thinking is always alone."  That's philosophical stuff and I love philosophy but my case is much more low brow than that.  People in my life are tired of hearing of me talk about this ironman thing all the time.   That keeps me alone most of the time.  B

Since I have been following the latest Ironman Texas my thinking has degraded to little more than  trying to figure out  how I could somehow cheat age and circumstance and do this bad boy ironman.  Bottom line is I am temporarily (temporarily I  hope) insane.  

Right now I am trying to wait this out without doing something stupid like signing up for the event.   I got over my very light case of COVID in 4-5 days.  But, this case of Ironman-itius, is really hanging on.  Maybe I should go to the doctor or do one of this virtual visits and ask for some medicine to relieve the symptoms of this disease?  Or, if it is an addiction, maybe I could  get some substance abuse therapy.  But what substance am I abusing?  I guess this consuming addiction is preventing the acquisition of any common sense and  rational judgment I might have a chance at.   I really don't know.  

I keep praying but so far I can hear a clear answer.  And so, as another day passes of my illness, I will go to bed and count miles of the ironman instead of sheep.  Maybe tomorrow this ironman fever will break.

Haunted By A Ghost- Ironman Texas

 Yesterday and last night was Ironman Texas and I wasn't there.  I spent the day doing yard stuff and building fences., thinking about the event.   There is nothing wrong with yardwork or fence building.  I love yardwork and fencing but I say that only to provide contrast; a before and after view, so to speak.  

For some reason this year, Ironman Texas has haunted me like a ghost, before, after, and during.  Why?  Is God trying to tell me something?  Nothing has changed in life to provoke this almost unnatural chain of thought.  Perhaps it is because doing an ironman is so impossible for me now. May be this is the last holdout attempt to fight the realization that I am over the hill. 

But keeping an ear to the ground about ironman and the people doing it has enlivened my spirit in the process.  This enlivened spirit has added so much to the day.  The bad thing is that the word "maybe" crept into my thinking process.  The internal conflict goes something like this:

"No, it's over."  

 "But maybe."  

"No more maybes We have been here lots of times. It's over." 

"Yeah, that's probably true. I need to move on."

But I can't help it.  My version of "moving on"  is trending toward finding some impossible way to do this ironman.  Wrong thinking I know but I keep being haunted by  quotes like."

"The only impossible journey is the one you didn't begin." 

Or, " Live for the moments you can't put into words."

If this "impossible journey" is to "live for those moments I can't put into words. " If I keep being haunted by the "what if" and I can't resist the urge to "find the climb" then God help me before I hurt myself.

Ironman Texas 2024 - Becoming Their Own Heroes

   Ironman Texas will happen in the morning.  All these brave souls will face into the sunrise, look off into the water, take a deep breath, and begin a long hard day.  Just to get to one of these starting lines is no Sunday stroll. Most are motivated people with lots going on in their lives.  They had sacrificed things, tried to balance the roles, and still get in the training.  Many will wonder if they did enough to get through what they are about to enter into.  They are facing their fears to live their dreams. 

No doubt, this is going to be a collection of some of the best people our species can assemble in one place.  They have got up and raised their expectations for themselves above what most expect of themselves.  They are becoming their own heroes and with good reason. Who wouldn't want to be counted as among these brave souls? I know I do.  God bless them all tomorrow.

Sustainable Joy

 There is no sense pretending.  Trying to run or ride from being yourself is not sustainable for long without negatively impacting the quality of life.  

 I believe that about sustainable joy:  "Be the same person all the time."  Sounds simplistic.   And I guess it is, but, to me, it defines a form of self-respect that encourages you to be who you are, not an actor to please the relational environment.   Being an actor is stressful.  A term once used for actors was "hypocrite."  Not being a hypocrite, not playing a role to please others, but being yourself, fosters an authenticity and integrity which is bedrock for any chance of sustainable joy.  

"Ah, there's the rub."  This requires real courage.  It can be so easy to fall into a camouflaged lifestyle.  It can be so easy to follow the herd.  And, it can be so hard to remain true to ourselves, when all around you say, "Change, fit in, don't make waves.".  To fit into this waveless world  we let the slow steady hum of normalism define  who you should be and what you should be doing.  Fighting the gravity of the deep rut requires courage.  

It is a great temptation to take the safe, easy, and comfortable path rather than trod the hard path to stand against the storm of convention.  But, you can't make memories to smile about later from the things you didn't do because you subscribed  and consented to playing a role to fit in.  For me at least, good memories and impossible dreams are the wheels that drive to achieving sustainable joy.  

There is a quote from "Self -Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson,   "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."   

And that "great accomplishment" can bring  sustainable joy. 

Thanks God.

Training in the Dark

 

By now I see that I won't ever stop training.  Life events have taken most of the opportunities to compete but I seem to get up and go after training each day like there was a good reason for it.  I am training almost with the same purpose and intent as when I trained for events.  And I wonder: what is wrong with me?  

Perhaps there is a part of me that won't give up completely.  Maybe the training is the holdout in the process of complete surrender, and I just don't want to go there.  

And perhaps training has become so much of who I am that I can't give it up if I want to.  Perhaps it is my tattoo that I won't have removed no matter what.  Maybe age and circumstance have taken all except this, but I think I have drawn my line in the sand on training  Till death do us part, so to speak.  

At the same time, when I finish my workouts and feel proud and grateful to God for this ability, I am still saddened somewhat that I can't take the results of my training anywhere anymore.  Its strange but training makes me glad and it makes me sad, at the same time. No matter.  My gratitude outweighs my sadness.  And, I thank God for all the events and training I have done in the past and ask Him for more health and opportunity to train in the dark. 

Light My Fire

 One match, lit and placed on a piece of tissue paper - small flame, almost flickered out, caught on a little, flickered in doubt a moment, and grew.  And I thought how small a start and this little flame will build upon itself, and eventually ignite this huge pile of brush I want to burn down. And it did.  

We are no different.  Sometimes we find ourselves little more than soft, fluffy tissue paper. What we need is one small, simple, flame to ignite the fire within us into a roaring fire.   This is the benefit of community within a passion.  We all have our soft, fluffy moments when passion and commitment are at low ebb. We all need someone to strike a match for us to ignite the fires in our lives, to become more of what we are capable of, rather than what we have degraded to. 

So, shouldn't I be inclined to give what I want to receive from another member of this endurance sports community?  We can do this. Light my fire.  I'll light yours. Let's "run the race that is set before us."

To Die as an Athlete

 Yes, I am old by most standards.  The call is to stay down.  Life can really beat you up at this age.  Hide out, take your meds, and take it easy.  Live out your life quietly. But I don't take any meds.  Am I going to have to get sick and go to the doctor and get on meds to be normal for my age?  How else can I live a camouflaged old person's life?   Isn't this the American dream: to work all your life to build a comfort nest in which to have nothing important to be or do and rest yourself to death? 

I am an old athlete.  It is not important but it is what I do and who I am.  God led me to this and I haven't heard Him holler, "Quit, stay down, too old."  I still feel like an athlete.  given my choice I want to die like an athlete as an athlete.  

I guess I will never grow up.  I still love the labored breathing of a hard effort, the sweat dripping off my forehead, the euphoric feeling moments after you have done your best. God willing, I can continue to do this until I die, - as an athlete.

Get Up and Be

 Done a lot of doubting lately.  Worst of all is that I start doubting myself, whether I have it anymore to pick myself up and face again, the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."  I would imagine it was that same heartbreak that Lee suffered when he surrendered, or Santa Anna had to surrender to Sam Houston. Short version:  surrender is a heartbreaker. 

What about those who didn't surrender in the face of overwhelming odds?  The men at the Alamo didn't surrender and died deaths true to their school.  They "died with their boots on" so to speak even if their boots may be stolen after they were dead.  And they were all dead, literally a dead end. 

The Texan at Goliad were a lot smarter.  They saw how fruitless and futile it would be to try on so they surrendered.  They were killed anyway. Surrender was a dead end too. I have often wondered if those poor Texas as they lined up to die, wished they would have fought on even to death 

 So do I do an Alamo or Goliad?  In those last moments the result will be the same.  But until then, life won't be the same and  those last moments which inevitably come, it won't be the same.  Knowing who I am, I realize I won't be the same either.  

Today, I hear the call that I surrender to age and circumstance, to give up triathlon and serious training.   Today, this moment,  I will answer with a cannon shot from my walls.  Today, this moment, I want to make life climb the wall and come and try to take me.  

Proud words.  Now to get up from this table and fight the good fight. 

Finding Oneself in the Garden

 For years I had a garden.  Every year was a process of pulling up all the old plants, taking out the weeds, tearing up the soil, and row up to plant new seeds for the new crop.  I have found that life is a lot like that. Sometimes the old and bug-eaten variety of ourselves is not bearing fruit and the only rescue is to pull up the old and plow for change in the new.  

I tested positive for COVID-19 again today.  This is 10 days, now.  I feel good but it's not enough.     

What about my quest? What about the half-ironman?  What about serious training?  I don't like going through this, can you tell?  I haven't had a cold in 25 years and this hasn't even had the symptoms of a mediocre cold.  I am so blessed to have it this easy but I can still search diligently and find a reason to complain, I guess.  Yeah, I am so human.  

My self wants to complain. My faith says "All things work together for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28.  God seems to intimate to me that like the torn-up old garden being replanted for spring, something will grow from what you are going through, and it will be you.

If You Want to Make God Laugh----

 There is a saying:  If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Now about 4 days into a  light case of COVID and with training derailed, the phrase gives pause to ponder.  Another big push, another quest, doesn't hold the same value it had even a few days ago.  The cause isn't certain, but the miles of the journey have brought me to this location in life attendant with all the lessons this recent situation can teach.

Time will tell if I want to get back on this horse again and do another ride. Back in my drinking days, I had a practice of not making any serious decisions on a Monday.  So, no new announcement.  I am circling the airport waiting for instructions from the Life Traffic Controller.

"One of the hardest decisions you ever make in life is choosing to walk away or try harder."

Go Die on the Mountain

 My 80 years have not been lived without learning something.  I haven't been asleep in my recliner all these years, you know.    Now, to add to advanced age, snail-like run pace.   Unstable and often painful knee, no road experience in over a year on the bike, and on and on, ad nauseam.  

Now, to discourage me further, and send me off to permanent retirement in reclinerville, to become and a fearful follower of the media, here comes COVID.  My wife and son are down with and having been exposed, I wait my turn for a little more misery. 

While it is early in this quest that I haven't even explained yet, this certainly is a hope dasher, taking away a lot of the rah-rah that great beginnings often have.  Whatever is trying to stop me is surely making it easier to quit.  But I have found that easy roads seldom lead anywhere really worth going to.  It's the climbs that make the course.  So, when and if I get COVID and, God willing, I recover from it, I'm still going for the climb. One can die on the mountain, or melt away like ice cream on a hot day in a recliner.

Share My Journey

 I hope this lasts.  The feeling keeps coming back:  God is not finished with me yet.  This is just going to be an exercise in faith but I am hard on the trail of "going to be."  I don't see how I am going to do this but with God all things are possible.  The plan is just to give God my best and leave results to Him. 

I haven't even been on a road bike in a year and a half, and I have signed up for a half-ironman event.  I have swam in 8 months.  But there is a peace about it.  There seems no good alternative but to try, to train, to believe.

There will be more in the vein of a formal announcement where I lay out my plans and my hopes and dreams.  Such an announcement will sort of burn my bridges behind me so I don't think losing heart and slinking off will be easy.   I am just a man, subject to all the frailties of our species. Share my journey.  God bless.

You Can Do This

 There never was a better time.   You can do this. Don't look to the right or left.  Put all force forward, one step ahead of the other.  Don't quit; don't make excuses to retreat to ease and comfort.  Embrace the pain.  It's part of life. Grit your teeth. Deal with it.  Don't be humbled by it.  Be humbled only by God and all He can do with even poor material like you.  

Move on, keep moving on; forward.  Accept His help.  Depend upon His promises no matter what today looks like.   Live out your faith in trust in Him to get you through this no matter what happens. Nevertheless.   

You are tempted for lesser days on every side by family, friends, social media, and mostly your own lack of courage and laziness.    Get over yourself and your comfort and conformity addiction.  Move on.  Your prayers have been answered with "Trust me."  You can do this. Praise God and keep moving forward.

Cold Thoughts- For the Good Days

 Ice on the steps and I am wondering when the power will go off.  With all the high-tech new and improved plastic everything, I wonder why, more than ever, we have trouble keeping the power on. So, I am stuck in the house, thankful for a fireplace and the hope that winter won't last forever.  

I did a couple hours on my trainer bike last night which left me hopeful.  Today, I am living the old man in me, and need to get moving.  I haven't done much but read, check my phone, and take a nap.  If this is a normal day for an 80-year-old, I really won't make that turn in life well.  I don't know how people do it.  Maybe they just feel worse than I do? Maybe illness and disability over time have taken the stinger out of the bee in their lives.

And two, I don't see how folks live up north where this weather as normal winter fare. So I have sat here, thought about it, and written myself into feeling blessed.  

I am blessed I have that hot coal in my heart that wants more, that is intensely dissatisfied with lethargic living.  I am blessed to live where I do, where this kind of raw weather will pass into beautiful days; days for good training; days outside with good people who care for me.  God thank you for the hope within in me - for the good days, now and every more.

Ironman Waco 70.3 - Silly Me I Think It Will be OK

 How can this be?  A new beginning and the first fresh day of a new year and I forgot to do my strength and flexibility regimen.  I also messed around until it was too late to do my indoor bike ride. So, the New Year's question is: am I really that committed to going all in for a half-ironman event.  It doesn't look like it from here, today, no, not at all.

And I don't seem all spun up over my negligent behavior.  Maybe I really don't want this bad enough?  Maybe I know I am over the hill and realize that this is all one big facade where I try to act like a younger man without significant injuries?  But it is most likely part of the wisdom that comes with all this aging stuff.  Silly me, I think it will be OK.  

Of course, I did run on my trails for the first time in a few weeks.  Painful but tolerable, not bad.  Glad I faced that one down for now.  Plus, I did about 40 minutes of good mountain bike riding.  I split firewood for a spell and worked with my tractor before coming in for the night.  So, the day wasn't a complete waste.  I ate clean today and feel good as I ready for bed.  I am at peace about my half-Ironman 70.3 training, as it is months away.  And I gave all this to God, win, lose, or whatever, a long time ago.  Since it is essentially out of my hands, Silly me, I think it will be OK.