A Scary Look Inside

 For me, the hardest place to look seems to be inside.  I condemn other people and media for putting their own distorted   spin on events and behaviors while never confronting the spin I put on myself.  True self-awareness is hard to come by. - the beast that bites us upon approach.  Most often, self-awareness is a hostile area I really don't want to venture into - the ultimate adventure into the minefield of illusions about myself. .  

Would I want to be my friend if I met me out there in the world.?  What do I talk about that would make me  interesting and inspiring.  Would I want to spend more time with me or get to know me better.?

One day recently I recorded some of my own conversations and found I don't sound as good as I thought I did.    Hmmm.   Maybe that is  why I, along with many people, dwell a lot on other people's faults and crazy notions?

In preparation for  going on yet another endurance sports journey,  I started keeping a log of all the junk I eat every day.   Nutrition is critical for what I am looking toward, and I can't rely on my own nutritional self- perception.  The truth wasn't pretty.  The truth is hard to come by about yourself, but like it or not, its the truth.  I can either change, or go on and feed and fatten my illusions, and probably not live up to the best I could achieve. 

The light of the truth flushes out all  weakness and indiscretions.  Do I really want to see myself as God sees me.  As the Bible says, "no shadow of turning?"  Can I live without shadows to hide myself and all my bad habits within?  God knows, and He doesn't believe our self-spin for a moment.  He wants us to realize and repent to go on to "run the race" He has set before us.

Week # 22 Training for Ironman Texas 2022 - At the End of It All

 I remember that morning well.  It was still dark when we left the hotel. The wind was already fierce.  The American flag at the hotel was ringing its chains and flopping loud in the strong wind.  Oh my.  I have to do a triathlon in that?  Maybe I should not risk it. Maybe the waves will be too high, and the swim will be cancelled.  But the bike, what about the bike?  The course is fairly open and even has a long bridge over the lake.  This wind might blow us over.  I think my stomach is a bit unsettled.  Is this something I should postpone and avoid, for safety's sake, for sure? 

When we arrived at the race site, the waves could be heard rolling in upon the shore.  The wind was howling.  Do you suppose they will go ahead with this?  Should I attempt to go on with stuff.  All my readymade and well-prepared excuses were dumped out there to supposedly add reason and wisdom, but the effect did not take. I wanted it. Fear had somehow morphed into courage, and I wanted it.  I wanted to put my face in the waves and my face into the wind.  I wanted the challenge to stay upright on my bike.  I wanted the whole experience - even if.

Just getting out of the car and unloading the bike and my gear made me braver and I smiled just a bit inside.  The swim was not easy, and I swallowed some water here and there, but I got out with a grin and a good feeling.  My bike leaned with the crosswind going across the lake, but I held it firm and did not fall.  

At the end of it all, I had one of my best triathlons ever.  To think - what would I have missed all that by staying in that safe hotel room, or if we had turned the car around and went home and didn't race?

I think this is my situation with Ironman Texas now, many, many years later.  It looks rough out there for me.  The training isn't going all that well and the time is creeping up on me.  I can really get hurt out there and I have legitimate excuses this time just to stay home and let this ironman thing go on by.  But, what about that great experience that I might leave undone, the genie I left in the bottle.  

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Week # 21 Training for Ironman Texas 2022 - Burn On

 The week has started well enough.  I did a 3 hour run Monday and it made me realize more vividly just how brutal this event is going to be.   I got in a 2000 yard swim yesterday in my wetsuit and it made me realize more vividly how far my training has taken me.  And, in summation, I feel good about it.  As the Bible says, I feel - "I am ready to be offered and the time of my departure is near ----"  But, the last two days was great weather.  Today however  it is cold, damp, windy, and overcast and I haven't broken a sweat yet.  

This tells me that no matter how well I do or think I am doing there is always that sedentary me in there just waiting for an excuse to express itself, to take over my activity level, diminish it, and try to destroy my hope in the process.  It also tells me that one must be constantly and vagrantly on guard against the propensity of the lesser self to want to express itself and drench our dreams.  The lesser sense is a fireman, constantly on duty to pick up on any dreams, hopes, and fire in the spirit and   try to quickly extinguish the blaze.   

Burn on, oh fire of the spirit, blaze brightly leading me on the path to the greater self, to put a smile on God's face that in spite of all, I overcame.

https://booklocker.com/books/12152.html

Week # 20 - Training for Ironman Texas 2022 - Am I Whipped?

 Another mediocre week last week and I can see a pattern here.  Life is sucking the life out of my ironman effort. No long runs, no long rides, no swimming at all, what can I expect from this half-baked training?  I do have consistency and some intensity going for me, but whether that will carry me past the lack of long training, or heavy weeks, well, I sort of doubt it. 

So, there is the problem And, what do I do about it?  Do I fold my tents and go home to an easier focus or do I find a way to bear down and get things done in this ironman training? This is a no brainer.  I can't see giving up until I know I am whipped - which I just might be.  This week I am going to go full tilt with a couple long bike rides with one having a fairly long run behind it. And then there will hopefully the stand alone - long run.  If I can't do this, I will say I am whipped and start the tent folding and the next post here will be a goodbye note. 

So there it is: my expressed disappointment in my self with yet hope for the future, with a test to see if there is indeed a future in this ironman enterprise.  I have prayed about this and I sense it is a good plan. God bless me in it and on this journey.

A Day Unlike Any Other  Day. https://booklocker.com/books/12152.html

Week # 18 Training for Ironman Texas 2022 - Leaving the Rest Stop

 Today it is cool and raining outside.  The sound of the rain on the roof and the water dropping off the eves of the house, spawns a passive mood for the day. The temptation to put another log on the fire and daydream the day away is a force to be reckoned with.  The easy road, the comfortable place, is a good place to stop and recoup from all the hard miles performed.  But ---

This rest stop is no place to live.  At the end of the day called our lives, a life spent at the rest stop won't be that fulfilling to look back upon.  We can easily be cheated out of the most rewarding and fulfilling and thrilling aspects of our lives by the comfort zones of life's rest stops.  

I have put a lot of time and effort into this venture already  - it is week 18 of training, for goodness sakes - and this is no place to stop and count your blessings.  It is time to leave the rest stop and go out and receive even more blessings that God has in store for you.  

Oh yes, the Bible says, "Be still and know that I am God."   But my contention is that once we are still and we know God from it, it is time to leave the rest stop and embrace the gift He has prepared for us.  My goal is to pursue the gifts God has up the road for me, like Ironman Texas 2022:  win, lose, pass, or fail, I am leaving the rest stop.

https://booklocker.com/books/12152.html

Week # 17 Training for Ironman Texas 2022 - It's Lonely on the Ledge

This week is about done, and I am just getting the blog out.  My momentum seems to be in sloth mode these days.  My training is going OK: not great.  It seems I need periodic infusions of inspiration for me not to fizzle to a stop.  What does that Mean?  I don't know.  It would be nice to have a little rah-rah in my cornier but largely I do this training in the dark so to s peak.  No one really knows that I am training for anything except my wife.  And whose fault is that but mine?  I think I am afraid to involve others around me because I am afraid they don't care, and I don't want the reality put upon me to face right now. Perhaps that is why?  

In my corner of the world no one knows much about triathlon to begin with.  About all folks know to say when I talk about this crazy stuff is "that's nice," which is the poster child of neutral responses.  Sum all this up and one can say, it is lonely here on this ledge.  

However, all this serves to drive me closer to God.  The emptier my motivational world becomes, the more I find I go to God quicker and depend upon Him more.  Perhaps, that's the plan.

Week #16 - Training For Ironman Texas 2022 - Blessed by the Freedom to Fail

 

16 weeks,or 4 months  - I have been at this.  There have been good and not so good weeks, and some just plain mediocre weeks.  However,  I am still moving forward.  My running isn't where it needs to be. Due to the cold weather and the lack of swimming areas in this part of the world, I am not swimming at all.  Of course, I am concerned, but there is a resolute side to this.  

It seems I have more or less decided to just go on and train as best I can and get in the water and get beat up and fail at it,  or get it done and get beat up.  Just do it.  Just go on and do it, and don't fret the sloppy journey to it.  Just enjoy the journey itself.  Not many people get to live like this. Though,  I am pretty not that many  people don't want to. But I wouldn't trade my sloppy, miserable training for anything I have seen other people my age devote their lives to. That's just me.  It is not better. It's not worse. It's just me.

And I thank God for that freedom to be me and to be reveling in my mistakes and shortcomings in this sport.   I thank God for liberating me to be myself, to pursue my passion, and, most probably, fall on my face in this effort.  I am blessed for the freedom to fail.