#34 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Angry

 Tomorrow, another treatment, and today, I seem short of breath upon extended movement. I am not sure what that is, but it sort of comes and goes. One thing after another, day by day, it's like a cross-country race or something.  Am I ever going to get there?  

It is a down day, and all the hopes and declarations of purpose and intent are too far to reach for.   The information on this disease and subsequent treatment seems to indicate this is normal.  What's normal about any of this? Normal is going for a long run on mornings like this or a bike ride with my hair on fire.  A life that is an overdose of medications, doctor appointments, complemented with days of heaping helpings of mundane, and, oh yes, be careful not to do too much, now, is that normal? Nausea is one of the side effects of the treatment, and that is what I get from this modality.

The information on the psychological aspects of this journey (to who knows where) also says that anger is part of the process.  Well, if you can't tell already.  I am angry.  So I guess that makes me normal.  Hip, Hip, Hurray!

#33 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Such Are My Miles of the Journey

 And on I go, dealing with the medicines that are supposed to make me better, but first I must get worse. Side effects are not that bad, really nothing life-altering, but they must be dealt with regularly so as not to unleash really bad effects. Constant vigilance.  

Such is life.  Someone once wrote that "the price of freedom is constant vigilance."  So it is true with our health.  Multiple myeloma has no certain cause, but other aspects of our health do. We can control what we can to help our health along.  We won't be perfect, but we can keep pushing in a healthier direction for our lives.

Such is also true for our spiritual health. In this battle, I am in, it is my spiritual health that I seem to rely upon the most.  There are no negative side effects to prayer.  There is no downside in being close to God. There is no shame in surrendering, doing your best, and leaving the outcome to God.  Such are my miles of the journey. 

#32 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- All Will Be Well

 

There come times in this quest for health when depression has a go at you.  It usually starts when a lot of negativity gets into your circle of concern.  You have to watch other people's attitudes more closely with this, and if things get too negative in the interchange, maybe it would be best not to go into it too deeply.  

It is amazing how fragile and vulnerable one can become to negative influences and negative influencers.  On a good day, it is not always easy to keep positive, but on not-so-good days, it is really a chore.  Sometimes on these days, it might be better to be alone or get busy doing something physical. 

So this journey through the rapids of cancer is a lot about learning to cope, finding out what works and what doesn't. 

I find that if I don't verbalize the struggle, I don't get it air and it seems easier to deal with.  But, when the darkness comes, I go to the Light and pray, and try to get as close to God as I can..  

Two things generally happen.  I start out of the hole I fell into, and I feel closer to God, which lifts my spirits.  I just have to remember that win or lose, live or die, God's got this, and in His hands all will be well. 

#31 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- No Backing Down

 Another treatment today and I feel keyed up from the drugs.  It is another week before a lesser number of drugs for the treatment.  Looking at the possible side effects of all the drugs I am taking, it is surprising I am not already dead.  I used to joke that my prognosis is good if I survive the treatment.  It's no joke anymore. 

I can get an estimate of how long I can live with this cancer, but I think an estimate of how long I can live on these cancer drugs, would be more important to know.  What if you could live for a 2 years with no treatment at all, but if you do the treatment, it could kill you in a year and a half.  Where's the bargain here?

No, I've come this far and I am going to dance with the girl I brought to this shindig. Besides, it is what I decided upon, determined to do, and no matter how hard the miles of the journey become, this is my path, live or die.  I gave this over to God with a self-surrender in the tube of an MRI at the hospital, and He still  has it. He still has me  and I won't back down. I will run the race He has set before me.

#30 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Weeks of Weakness

 Feeling pretty good and capable. I am not sure how long this will last, but I revel in the moment.  Today I brought firewood in a wheelbarrow to the porch from down the hill. Pushing a load of firewood up a small hill would have been impossible a couple of months ago.  

Each time  I got to the steps to the porch, I  remembered that these were the same steps I was helped down to get into the ambulance.  This is also the same area where they tried to get me on the gurney and, in all the pain of moving me, put the wheel to the gurney on my foot.   Twice from this spot, I entered a world other than mine own. And I did it here, where now, I am muscling a load of firewood up to the porch. 

So I thank all the competent medical people who took care of me in the weeks of weakness. Thanks to my family who unflinchingly supported me through this long and arduous ordeal.  And truly, thank you, God, for never leaving me in my walk through the valley of the shadow of death. 

#29 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- This Day of Health

 It's hard to slip into the groove of a cancer patient.   My heart goes out to more active pursuits than merely surviving.  Survival is not enough.  Survival without action seems to me to be just another form of sedentariness.   

I guess I am feeling too good to think clearly and sedately enough about the situation I find myself in.  There haven't been any major side effects, and my strength is coming back from the massive hospital and illness layoff.  At this point in time, I feel pretty good.  Maybe when the side effects hit, or I get some more disappointing news of my cancer, I will tone down my optimism and get to a more normal depressive lifestyle.

In fact, I don't go to any of the support groups and read their stories.  It's depressing. Life is all we have, one day then the next,  and I don't want to waste it in fretting that much if I can avoid it. There may be time enough for that later.  

Today, I feel really good.  I am immensely grateful for this day of health God has given me. 

#28 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Looking Back

 Treatment is going well, and I feel so good that I wonder: what is wrong?  It feels like a trap, an ambush to lull me into a lack of carefulness and gratitude, then whamo! The roof caves in.  So, I guess the mantra for the day is to remain vigilant and grateful on a moment-by-moment basis. After all, this is a long and winding road I am on, and bandits can be around the next bends, so to speak. 

When I used to run, I would sometimes look back at how far I  had come and be amazed and grateful that I had come so far.  I do that now with this rough patch I am on.  I am so glad I have written down much of these miles of my journey.  Looking back at all I have been through to get here leaves me with the same wonder and gratitude as the miles of running  did.  

I have been so blessed to have had a life rich in experiences to refer to when life gets restrictive and more uncertain.  And I have been blessed by the presence of God in my life to be beside me now and evermore.