#31 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- No Backing Down

 Another treatment today and I feel keyed up from the drugs.  It is another week before a lesser number of drugs for the treatment.  Looking at the possible side effects of all the drugs I am taking, it is surprising I am not already dead.  I used to joke that my prognosis is good if I survive the treatment.  It's no joke anymore. 

I can get an estimate of how long I can live with this cancer, but I think an estimate of how long I can live on these cancer drugs, would be more important to know.  What if you could live for a 2 years with no treatment at all, but if you do the treatment, it could kill you in a year and a half.  Where's the bargain here?

No, I've come this far and I am going to dance with the girl I brought to this shindig. Besides, it is what I decided upon, determined to do, and no matter how hard the miles of the journey become, this is my path, live or die.  I gave this over to God with a self-surrender in the tube of an MRI at the hospital, and He still  has it. He still has me  and I won't back down. I will run the race He has set before me.

#30 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Weeks of Weakness

 Feeling pretty good and capable. I am not sure how long this will last, but I revel in the moment.  Today I brought firewood in a wheelbarrow to the porch from down the hill. Pushing a load of firewood up a small hill would have been impossible a couple of months ago.  

Each time  I got to the steps to the porch, I  remembered that these were the same steps I was helped down to get into the ambulance.  This is also the same area where they tried to get me on the gurney and, in all the pain of moving me, put the wheel to the gurney on my foot.   Twice from this spot, I entered a world other than mine own. And I did it here, where now, I am muscling a load of firewood up to the porch. 

So I thank all the competent medical people who took care of me in the weeks of weakness. Thanks to my family who unflinchingly supported me through this long and arduous ordeal.  And truly, thank you, God, for never leaving me in my walk through the valley of the shadow of death. 

#29 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- This Day of Health

 It's hard to slip into the groove of a cancer patient.   My heart goes out to more active pursuits than merely surviving.  Survival is not enough.  Survival without action seems to me to be just another form of sedentariness.   

I guess I am feeling too good to think clearly and sedately enough about the situation I find myself in.  There haven't been any major side effects, and my strength is coming back from the massive hospital and illness layoff.  At this point in time, I feel pretty good.  Maybe when the side effects hit, or I get some more disappointing news of my cancer, I will tone down my optimism and get to a more normal depressive lifestyle.

In fact, I don't go to any of the support groups and read their stories.  It's depressing. Life is all we have, one day then the next,  and I don't want to waste it in fretting that much if I can avoid it. There may be time enough for that later.  

Today, I feel really good.  I am immensely grateful for this day of health God has given me. 

#28 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Looking Back

 Treatment is going well, and I feel so good that I wonder: what is wrong?  It feels like a trap, an ambush to lull me into a lack of carefulness and gratitude, then whamo! The roof caves in.  So, I guess the mantra for the day is to remain vigilant and grateful on a moment-by-moment basis. After all, this is a long and winding road I am on, and bandits can be around the next bends, so to speak. 

When I used to run, I would sometimes look back at how far I  had come and be amazed and grateful that I had come so far.  I do that now with this rough patch I am on.  I am so glad I have written down much of these miles of my journey.  Looking back at all I have been through to get here leaves me with the same wonder and gratitude as the miles of running  did.  

I have been so blessed to have had a life rich in experiences to refer to when life gets restrictive and more uncertain.  And I have been blessed by the presence of God in my life to be beside me now and evermore.

#27 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Thou Art With Me

 

The treatment this week left me antsy and alert.  So alert, in fact, that I had trouble going to sleep the night of treatment.  I didn't sleep much that night.  I wasn't nervous or tense, but life just flowed through my thoughts, and I just couldn't shut them off. 

Consequently, I keep looking for the fatigue crash.  I have never felt this kind of fatigue.  Oh, in training and such, I've been that tired, but the deep bone marrow fatigue seems more than fatigue by itself.  It's a different feeling coming from these drugs, and it can get scary.  So far this week, I have not had one of these episodes.  I notice its absence, but I don't miss it at all. 

Last night I slept really well, and I hope that will abate any downturn. I hope so, as we have a winter storm coming and there may be issues I want to attend to with a clear head. 

At the same time, I have been doing less screen time and reading my Bible more, plus commentaries and such.  Last night I read some of the Psalms and went to bed with such a quiet spirit; it's no wonder I slept so well.  And all this tells me that behind all the protocols and treatments, there is a hope now, and hope forevermore. 

"Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me."

#26 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Diversity

 

The weekend and I don't feel all that bad. I have talked to prayer warriors in the last few days and feel blessed by the love of God shown out through these fine people.  And so Monday, I go on into another week of therapy.  Amazing, but almost a third of it is almost done.  

When folks ask me to tell the story, it still amazes me that I got through all that.  But I know I didn't come through it alone.  God put the right people in the right places on my behalf.  And they weren't all Christians like me.  Think of this:  A Hindu doctor, who liked a Christian patient well enough to make a phone call to a Muslim oncologist, who saw me within a couple of hours, where I was treated by a Hispanic head nurse. 

We all hit it off really well, and it is going as well as chemotherapy can be expected to go.  I find it encouraging that the emphasis was not on our differences, but on the common goal and purpose of fighting cancer.  It seems to show that as a people, we can work together for the common good. regardless of our differences, to make a better world for us all.

#25 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Endurance Sports and Cancer

 It has been a good week, so far.  No deep-down fatigue episodes, and I am sleeping a little better.  The miles of the journey go on.  What started as miles of the journey to an ironman finish has evolved through the years to a journey through a cancer diagnosis and treatment.   

The tasks and the trials are in principle, the same. It is amazing how the life and consequent training for endurance sports so accurately depict the struggle of life itself.  In my own life with cancer, I see I need the same tools to get through treatment and therapies that I needed to get through bad patches of training for events.  

Aging up has shown me that there is really not much new under the sun, so to speak. There seems to be a certain set of principles in life that are foundational to everything else, and they don't change.  They appear in different settings and situations, but they don't change, even then.  It is like a quote that goes something like "you can't break the law. You can only break yourself against it." 

So today life and treatment are on a gentle downhill where the pedaling is easier, and the breeze feels good on my face. Praise God for this day.  Tomorrow, who knows, I may be praising Him in the storm.