Waiting to Hear From Heaven

No more, I said. The game was over. Time to be a normal person. Do regular stuff. You are too old. You have too many other family obligations. You have worn out knees. You weren't that good to start with. Maybe God has taken me right where He wanted me to go.

It is hard to believe I am even thinking about getting back on the ironman training wagon. And perhaps ironman is not what He is taking me to. Perhaps, God knows that the ironman failures - despite my best heart and effort -have seasoned me sufficiently to follow some other calling He has for me. I am praying about this.

But, ironman keeps coming back. Seldom a day goes by without reading some report on Ironman Texas or researching training or nutrition tips. There is a quote that goes something like --never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about. If that quote is the standard, then I should do the ironman. Ironman haunts me like a live-in ghost. I pray and pray---for others, for discernment, for honesty with myself, for strength, for courage, and for the will to go for the ironman.

So I wait to hear from heaven. Dear God: is the journey really over? Or, do you want me to go on?

Humbled Yet Again

A couple days ago I made it upstairs without knee pain. That was the first time in six months, yet I didn't notice the gift-at first. Of course, the thought went to WOW! Thanks God. And my running is improving - longer runs, faster paces.

It is amazing what we can learn to accept. Now I am excited to run a 15-16 minute mile. From my smile after those runs, you would think I just broke the world record or something. And The fact is pleasantly ignored that my running is still not good enough to get me to the finish line before the time cut-off. At these times it is easy to forget that each morning I hobble and stumble when I first get out of bed every morning.

However, the other morning I could not ignore the truth. My surging confidence must have lead me to get out bed too quickly. The bad knee wouldn't hold me. I started down; fell into my bike on the trainer and careened back across the bed, face down.

And I am going to do an Ironman? Yeah, sure. In almost a metaphor of this whole process, I slowly pulled myself up and cautiously stood; slowly walked. I had been humbled yet again. Perhaps that is part of the process; part of learning experience of this journey. Ah, there are so many lessons being taught in these Miles of the Journey. Thank you God. I managed a patient seven mile run that morning...and I didn't fall.

The Worst of Days-The Best of Days

January has been full of set-backs in my ironman training. At times, it seems, I have fallen apart nutritionally and eaten like a starving couch potato. There were missed workouts; times I felt sick and tired or tired and sick. It's hard to tell. There were times, I was ready to throw in the towel and any other linens which confirmed total withdrawal from this journey. I really don't know how I got through all this so far without going belly-up. But I did. I prayed a lot, and I guess my answered prayer was that I was basically just too tired and zoned-in to quit. Maybe being brain-dead with fatigue caused me to default to keep moving forward?

At any rate, I'm still standing - barely. Got in my 10 mile run yesterday - a major milestone. And, this morning I can actually get out of bed and make it to the bathroom without crawling. Good news! My bike miles remain good and my running miles are increasing. I have lost a few rounds in this fight but I have won enough to keep me plodding forward on this wonderful journey. Thanks God.

A Place I Love to Go

It rained all day. Despite my best plans, any training would have to be indoors. The indoor bike ride; not an appealing thought. What to do? Impulse was to get a movie and just piddle through the ride, nice and easy. Then the arm wrestling contest with oneself. This was supposed to be my long ride day. So how could I just do a “soft and easy” when I am supposed to be doing a long ride day?

OK, OK. I reluctantly decided to do a training dvd. This was a new one that I had never done. And, it didn’t look that hard and even if it was, I could just take it easy on the hard parts. I decided to warm up on the bike for five minutes before I turned the training video on. That felt pretty good. Five minutes came quickly. I didn’t want to stop the warm-up. I didn’t. Finally, after a fifteen minute warm-up, I had made a sort of peace with the indoor biking and felt ready to hit “play.”

It was much harder than I thought it would be. Standing climbs, intervals, tempo intervals; my heart rate was moving higher and higher. I wondered could I hold this? Can I hang on? Somewhere about the middle of the fifty-three minute session, a switch must have got flipped, and I was in. Something had clicked-in in my mind, heart, and body. I had stepped up and stepped past myself. Now I held the higher heart rate, the harder climbs, the higher tempos without feeling on the edge and about to lose grip. I had been counting down the minutes to the end of session but now I was hating to see it end.

This was not my first time to experience this track-switching to a different zone. However, it never fails to thrill me. That is a place I love to go; where limits are transgressed, walls are broken down, and the self extended past perception. And if this all be true, then what else. How far can we hope? Maybe not pushing myself enough is limiting the distance of my hopes. Perhaps, God has it all waiting for us; waiting for use to look beyond the horizon of our perceptions, and in faith believe there is more; in this life and the other.

Strange Feeling for Me

Almost fell in Walmart last night. People were here, there, everywhere, and a quick pivot left me off balance: strange feeling for me. However, earlier in the day I was helping bring a stove we bought in the house and on a step up, the load buckled my knee - backwards. It was all I could do to go down without dropping the brand new stove: strange feeling for me. And I want to do an Ironman? I want to bike 112 miles and get off the bike and run 26 miles on that knee? Serious doubts. How does one handle an unstable knee? How does one deal with the pain all day and half the night? So, to escape the "strange feelings for me," I just retreat to my comfort zone; that is, just keep moving forward; one unstable step after another.

Rescue the Perishing

My motivation was at low tide. All my weaknesses were laid bare and I didn't like the picture. And then there was the down time of Christmas, the departure, at times, from good nutrition; I was tired already. Ready to quit if I just barely got tipped over. I prayed about the possible decision to quit.

My Christmas luncheon was with my 99 year old Mother in the nursing home. We brought her a good Christmas meal and her appetite is still zesty. She loved it. Then some more of my family showed up. The room got crowded and I found myself gravitating toward sitting near my nephew who is signed up for Ironman Lake Placid. The fire in his eyes lit up as mine surely did, as we told of injuries, experiences, hopes, and dreams in endurance sport.

Afterwards, driving home, I had a different slant on my thinking. No big explosions, no aha moments, but I unconsciously set about to continue my training. Three days later, I found that I done some great training, my motivation was back, and I really don't want to quit, if there is even a chance - even if it is a small chance. Perhaps, my nephew was my answered prayer; a confirmation. Perhaps, without his knowledge, he was sent to bring me out and point me up. Perhaps, without my knowledge, I am being used to bring others out and point them up as well?

Against All Odds - Christmas Story

Christmas approaching and as usual for this time of the year: training is in the toilet. Stuff comes out against me like one bad dream after another. My own motivation is tottering, about to fall. The big question comes out time and again like a haunting melody: Why do this anyway?

There are so many "practical" things I could be doing with my time instead of training or resting up from training. Why do this anyway? Do I really want this? And, my asthmas has messed with my breathing lately; my leg is painful to run on; family crisis seems a daily occurrence; Christmas expenses are off the charts, and I feel so out of shape. This whole thing seems to be going on against all odds. Isn't that foolhardy? Perhaps.

But, it is Christmas: a time when Hope was brought into the world to save. And so I go on right now, against all odds "O come all ye faithful;" a child of hope myself.