To Be or Not to Be More Moderate

 Lately, I  have been thinking a lot about what life has left me with.  My fitness just seems to improve in fits and starts as I progress along my cancer journey.  The protocol is to take it easy and do moderate stuff until I die.  It seems I will have to adjust to a life of moderation as much as I have to adjust to other demands placed upon me going through cancer treatment.  

So, do I be good and follow the instructions of moderation and die properly at the proper time in life?  Is my goal in life now proper and moderate?  Or, do I throw some caution to the wind and "ride the horse wild," and perhaps die a little earlier or suffer a little more in my prescribed end days? 

But you know, I'm an old guy already.  Shouldn't I be slowing down anyway and being more moderate?  Shouldn't old age be reason enough for following the implied instructions to slow down until you stop at death?  Isn't old age enough of a reason by itself to become more moderate?  

It's so tempting to let life turn into a free fall to the grave.  All I would have to do is be still and wait for it. First, the joints and mobility would go, then the heart, and then the choice I am considering now would no longer be available.  

The Bible says, "It is appointed a man once to die."  When that appointment is, I don't know. God does, but  I haven't been notified.  So the choice is still mine:  Live or begin dying.   I feel too good and too blessed to choose anything but life right now, that is, until God calls me home.  Praise God.

#40 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- The End of the Cancer Reports- Learning to Live with Uncertainty, With Certainty

 And the treatment today went well.  I have been so blessed to have the oncology team that I have.  We  have all marched on into this cancer journey, the team, the family, those who care.  We are all doing our best to cope and to learn to live with the fear and uncertainty that the word "cancer" provides. 

Living with this uncertainty has certainly tuned in the vivid button in life.   Things, events, and people are viewed in a more real perspective, which only uncertainty can provide.  Life gets real when they tell you that you have cancer. 

But I think cancer doesn't create the uncertainty; it only exposes the uncertainty that has always been there.  The most fatal and widespread cause of death is life itself.   When it will happen is uncertain, but the event itself is quite certain.  And the question becomes:  how long do I have to live, and what will be my quality of life?" 

Yet,  uncertainty sometimes seems to put life on steroids.  When I write my books and my stories, I don't write about times in the recliner watching movies.  No, my books, stories, and blogs are most often about periods of risk and uncertainty.    

Looking back, I realize that many times I have narrowly missed death or death has narrowly missed me, that is.    I have honestly thought I was going to die on three different occasions.   But for some reason known only to God, I was miraculously rescued.   Life took on new shades of meaning, and I came to more fully realize that the uncertainty I faced was only uncertain to me.   It wasn't uncertain to God. God had always had me in His care,  within the certainty of God,   

We all face uncertainty daily, whether we have cancer or not. But we don't have to face uncertainty alone.  We have a certain  God who has us in the palm of  His hand, leading us through the perceived darkness of uncertainty, certainly. God tells me fear not, and don't let the clouds of today obscure the sunshine of tomorrow.

#39 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- It Just Feels Like Time

 

The cancer journey will be indeterminable.   The same things, the same setbacks, the same good days.  I want to move on, but of course, I have cancer, and it will be with me as long as I have this life.  However, I don't have to dwell on it.  

It is essentially a chronic disease to be dealt with daily.  But it is essentially like my having to deal with asthma all my life.  It is to be dealt with daily, but it didn't have to be the controller of my life.  

I am doing as well as could be expected with the treatments and the outcomes.  That is about all I can say.  I am sure people don't know what to ask me about this, except to say "how are you doing"?  

And so, one more "rapids of cancer post" and I am moving on from that in this blog. If a major life changer comes up, yeah, it will go here, but regular "how I am doing" posts, no.   It just feels like time.

#38 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Wishing for a Stronger Faith

 The Sunday before my biggest treatment.  Altogether, I get all four cancer drugs plus blood thinners, a viral preventer, and an asthma medication.   Who could have guessed I could have gone from no meds at all for a few years to this fruit salad of medications?  So far, I am bearing up well under all this.  In fact, I feel really good.  My physical capabilities keep expanding, and mentally, I am in a good place.  There are some down times, but the more I am into this lifestyle, the easier it is to navigate these straits.

There is a flu epidemic in our area, and I have avoided crowds and close places with people.  I am doing the hermit routine.  It isnt't my first choice, but I am adaptable.  This too shall pass. I wish things were different, but they are not.  I can't change that, but I can give it to God.  

The problem is that I give my issues to God and then in a weak moment, take them back. When it gets overwhelming, I give it back to God, and so this goes.  If my faith were stronger, I would imagine I wouldn't be taking back so much that I gave to God.  Holy Spirit, infuse me with a greater faith that I may release my fears and place all my hopes in God. 

#37 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Coming Up For Air

 Things are going well as far as my treatments.  A new medication was added for my asthma, and it was a game-changer. The capacity for physical efforts has been greatly enhanced.  Some small side effects of the other drugs were practically eliminated. 

How long will this lasts? I am not sure.  I hope it lasts indefinitely, but I  have learned from this medical journey I have been on that things can turn on a dime. So, like the bad stuff, I take the good stuff one day at a time.  But for the good stuff, I am grateful, for however long this lasts. I thank God for giving me this chance to come up for air in this journey.  

Monday, I resume treatments, and we'll see how the full load of all this impacts this fragile peace with asthma, cancer, and side effects. I "expect the best, but I am prepared for the worst."  I'll do my best but whatever hand God deals me, I'll play it and be grateful for these good times. 

And perhaps this is a truth I was to learn in all this, and perhaps there are more along the miles of this journey.

#36 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Whatever

 Cancer.  It seems to take the life out of you sometimes.  It is hard to hold the head up in hope with the future so uncertain.  Lots of things get put on the back burner of life now, if they even get put on the burner at all.  Motivation to do things for the future has to be primed like an old pump. It doesn't come easy like it did with life before cancer. You just don't live with that same level of hope. 

Sometimes I find I have spent the day and not done much at all. Cancer seems like living in a doctor's waiting room.  It takes my best effort not to get depressed and abandon hope altogether.   But, I must.  I must look up in faith through all I am going through, mentally and physically, and "run the race that is set before me."   

So, I get up from this chair and go do my indoor bike, like I have some event to train for.  And, I guess I do.  I need to do my best in this fight I am in, looking to God for the strength to go on, and go through whatever tomorrow.

#35 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Nevertheless

 It was a good day for my treatment and, in general, my journey through the rapids of cancer. People were especially nice. And things worked out to change to a GP in the office there.  

I am having trouble with my breathing under stress and am not sure if it is my asthma, the treatment, or something else.  But the visit went great, and I am happy we are doing all we can.  

At the same time, there is a certain amount of resignation in my spirit that I am not sure whether I like it or not.  There is so much I have had to leave behind and so much to accept that it is a fight not to let resignation take over.

It would be easy to just roll over and let yourself drift off to an effortless existence, and no longer fight the waves that keep coming in on me.  Doesn't it sound good and comforting? Just let go and let it be, rest, relax, and die to yourself, and ultimately, in fact. 

This whole ordeal so far has taught me that I am not really in control that much.  But, I have to remember my MRI tube commitment several months ago to give things to God.  So today,  I renew that pledge.  God, take it. You got it.  Win or lose, live or die, nevertheless.