Hold My Hand Lord

 

"When you start doubting yourself, remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you faced; all the battles you have won, and all te fears you have overcome.  Your greatest strength come in your weakest days"  

Today was a day of doubt; one of those weakest days.  Where can I go from here?  What can I do from here?  Who can I become from here?  

I was diagnosed with A-Fib -erratic beats of the heart, bringing with it the heightened possibility of heart attack or stroke.  The numbness caused by this diagnosis still has me in a numbed state.  Now it might seem my time to join in the little old men's pill lines to receive a bit a of life to wash down with a bit of water, then wait until lunch or dinner and the next pill line to shuffle to.  Not my idea of a life. 

The big suspense is how I will take this once the numbness of the diagnosis gives way to reality on hard terms.  I just don't know and I just have to depend.  Hold my hand Lord 

The Only Way Home

 

Miles of the Journey - Along your miles do you often contemplate the end of that journey?  Perhpaps at the death of someone you knew well, you seriously had a scary look at your own mortality.  Or, you vistited a cemetery and seen rows of stones and other type markers.  Did you wonder then, is that all there is to this journey.  Is life but the time between born and dead dates?  Does life consist of the dash between the dates? 

I don't want this journey to end, do you? But it must and I want to end well.  But I can see that that takes some real courage.  Despite all the religious noise we made along our journey of life the fabric of our faith will get  tested to its core. Do you have faith enough to step out into the waters of death without whining, I ask myself?  As my own health seems to be deteriorating, I still believe I do.  To be honest there is a sublimal anger, I think, that God is putting me through this and abandoning me.  At a time when I should be feeling closer, there is a strange distance in our relationship.   Maybe when I move myself closer to accptance, and give up my spoiled child attitude, we will be close again.  For now, I don't have any warm fuzzies to keep me warm in these cold times, and I have to have faith in the dark.  No fulfilled "bucket list" will navigate this lonesome journey we all have to take.  Yes, "nevertheless," I still believe:  God has the only way home.

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