I watched a video of the start of a triathlon I have done. Homesick. That's the feeling watching folks jump off into the water and swim toward the first buoy. Wishes got heavy. A sort of damp resignation just came in on me like some kind of happy killer fog.
Everything seems to say it is time to let all that active stuff go and move on to tamer pursuits. My age says that, and my cancer diagnosis says it is that time, but my spirit says, "not yet." Not yet; I have so much trouble getting past the "not yet." It haunts me like a ghost.
So, I just go on hanging on to memories and saying maybe one day. I bet most people my age and with my diagnosis say something like that to avoid saying "I give up." And I wonder which is true. Is it "I give up," and resolve to face the circumstances head-on, or is it "not yet" and determine to defy the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune to find myself one day about to jump into the water and swim to that first buoy and all beyond. Tell me God.
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