#17 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- The Wisdom to Surrender

 Another treatment today, and it is the last until next year.   There is so much I would love to do still.  However, I am not sure about what the future holds as far as what I can do now, and even when treatment is finished in September of 2026.  

So I learn to live with an uncertain future, as if there is a certain one.  The old joke comes up.  "Want to make God laugh?  Tell Him  your plans."  This cancer business has certainly taught me that we are not much in control at all.  We chase the illusion of control, a bubble floating in the wind. Life turns on a dime, and the only way to win this game is to surrender.  How many times have I been pushed in a corner I don't have the strength to fight my way out of and just have to give it to God, in humble submission to His way, His will in my life.  I just have to let it go. 

And so as this treatment process continues, may I  have the wisdom to surrender and let God be God in my new life.

#16 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Finding My Way in the Dark

 

As the year draws to a close, I find that by the end of this month, I will have been in treatment three months of the twelve I will have to do. That is a long way to go, but a lot behind me already.  Scary to think of what the long-term effects of the altered diet and constant drug intake will do over the long haul.

What will be left of me by Christmas next year, if I make it that far?  What will be my capabilities next year when this gets through with me?  Is life just a "hold until relieved" affair now, with no real hope for the activity I have loved so much all my life?  Can I keep giving up this, giving up that, for the next nine months without being overly depressed?

Questions, questions, questions, and no real answers.  Can I live without the answers and face life as it comes to me or leaves me?

Facing life in the dark is where God comes in.   It is dark, very dark, in my bedroom when I get up during the night to find my way to the bathroom.   But, I have done this route so many times that all I have to do is touch an object or piece of furniture, and I know where I am and can proceed on to the bathroom.  

So, it is with God. When the darkness of all this uncertainty and many unanswered questions seems to overwhelm me. I just have to reach out to God, touch His familiar hand, and I know where I am.  Whatever happens in the darkness of the next nine months, I can find my way because God is with me. Emanuel-God is with Us...... Merry Christmas

#15 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Old News

 Treatment started on September 29th, and soon it will be 3 months.  Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now Christmas is in the air.  It is not surprising that my cancer and treatment are old news now.  

 What makes cancer so special anyway?  Everyone, it seems, carries a burden or health issue of some kind, and some may be more debilitating than cancer and cancer treatment.   

And, I seem to be having an easier time with it as I am back to doing most, not all, of what I did before all this happened to me.  There have been some things I have had to cut back and some to give up entirely, but overall, life is good.  Others with all sorts of other issues may not be in such a good place.  So why shouldn't I be old news?  Sure, cancer seems to say death, but life does too.   Cancer can seem to say suffering, but there is suffering in life for other causes too. 

I don't mind being old news.  I know people care and are watching to see that I will be OK.  But, my good results so far have taken the urgency off the critical care by others for me.  I am blessed, and I do know that should this all go south all of a sudden, then I will no longer be old news.  And like I told the nurse at the cancer center, "God's got this."  My news is in His hands. 

#14 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Diamonds and Stones

Some days are diamonds and some days are just stones, nothing to write about but just getting through. Thankfully, I don't have many of those.  But the drugs sometimes bring me down, where all I want to do is sleep and just find a place and stare off in space for a long period of time.  Sometimes the drugs put me on an inner quiver, and sleeping isn't sound and I feel jittery and anxious constantly.  

But most days are diamonds.  My workouts have been consistent, and my walking and bike riding have been.  Most of the time, if I can just get moving, I have a better chance of having a diamond day.  

Today, my walk was going really well out in the woods.  The more I walked, the more I came to myself.  There is a place in those woods where I have fashioned a cross of rocks and have a rocking chair there.  It's where I have prayed for people over the years.  God seems to meet me there.  

The words didn't come for persistent prayer today.  It was as if God was saying  "Be still," and experience the quiet peace of His creation.   It was really quiet.  All I could hear was the sounds of the woods. As I rocked and listened,  peace settled in on me like a fog coming in. 

I didn't want to leave and wondered how long I could have stayed there basking in the peace God had revealed to me. Cancer has brought me closer to God. Whatever the outcome at the end of this journey, it is well with my soul.   It's been a diamond day.   Amen