Every fiber of reason in me tells me let this go. And I have prayed fervently about this and finished with "Nevertheless let thy will be done." Surely His will is for reason to prevail. "God is not the author of confusion." However, I am confused. So, who is writing this script; me or God? Even when not thinking about doing Ironman Texas, the possibility creeps into my thoughts like a siren song. I don't get it. I am not terribly motivated to do Ironman Texas anymore. There are all kinds of good things I have planned to do during that time, that seem good and satisfying. Why do these haunting thoughts continue to disturb my peace?
The thought that keeps coming up is to do a "Give it to God" training campaign. That is, despite being 80 years old, haven't ridden the road bike outside in almost a year, haven't ran farther than 4 miles in the past six months, having a perpetual "train wreck" of a left knee, despite all this and more, the whisper seems to say to go on, sign up and just let God handle this entirely. Give it to God.
The whisper seems to say this: "You are right. It is a mega-longshot, pretty much an impossibility. You are pretty well done before you start. So why not give up to begin with and give the outcome to God. Go on! Step out in faith. Let God carry you until He says enough. You could chronicle it for those whose interest might be peaked, who might be inspired and moved closer by what God can do with little or nothing. The worst that can happen is that you wear yourself out and fail for God."
And I think: wouldn't it be better to pour yourself out and fail for God than to succeed for yourself? Now I am scared as well as confused.
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