#13 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- The Getting Through Cancer Treatment Ironman

 Yesterday I had the full load of drugs.  I am on once-a-week treatment now.  However, I have had a few minor  side effects. (facial flushing, insomnia, inner tenseness).  But I don't feel that bad and will go for a walk this morning.  

This limited lifestyle is having negative effects on me as I have a bad case of restless in all this.  I want to do more.  My memory is too good at thinking of all I could do just a year ago at this time.  My birthday is coming up, and I once did a pushup for every year plus one on that day.  Now, "don't do too much" is a persistent reminder and aggravator.  

I see a bike ride I might want to do.  No, what if I fall with this one condition?   And the half-ironman I always wanted to do opened up for next year about this time, but probably not for me.  I won't be off this program in time for the serious summertime training.   And there is always the danger that all this will get really bad. 

So, I guess my certain event is the GETTING THROUGH CANCER TREATMENT IRONMAN.  It requires no training but massive discipline and consistency, and complete trust in God for His presence and power, whatever, however, this event turns out. I  am blessed.

#12 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer---Song in the Night

 For some reason today, I am remembering all the painful, fitful nights I spent during this journey.   Sometimes, I just felt like giving up on sleep altogether. I don't know how I made it, but I did.  I do remember talking to God a lot, wondering what this was for and why.  I guess faith held up in that seemingly never-ending storm. 

Ordinarily, giving up would be the order of the day.  At night, in the pain, in the dark, alone and uncomfortable, one might become desperate about life.  But I wasn't really alone.  I was never closer to God but I just didn't understand and still don't.  But as the song says, he was "my strength, my song in the night." 

And night after night, I made it through, though not sure how or how I could go on losing so much sleep.  Then, when the hospitalization came, there were more nights I needed and received that strength and heard that "song in the night."  I survived thanks to God, but it was a mile of the journey that changed me.  I've grown so much closer to God, and that song in the night can be heard more and more in my heart. 

#11 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer--

 My birthday is coming up soon, and I wonder if I will see another one.  Last year, I did a pushup for every year plus one, in case I couldn't do that this year.  This year I will use my extra pushup.  

Cancer adds an intensity of awareness to life.  It emphasizes its brevity and its moment-by-moment value.  And gratitude and tolerance come easier.    Shams and drama are easier to ignore.  Use of remaining time, is a more discerning endeavor.  I am not afraid to do nothing but sit and pray or just relax in nature.  Things to do are still with me, but letting things go comes much easier. 

Being alone is often sought, although I have experienced through many days and nights of hardship and pain, that I am never alone. God is with me.  It's Emanuel, all over again, like at Christmas, "God is with us." And I am glad of that, that "resurrection, that truth and the life" that I believe and place my assurance in, now and evermore.

# 10 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer-- I Could Be More Grateful

 The journey continues.  It is to be a year of treatment and I don't know how to make it go any faster.   There is concern about what is waiting to ambush me around the corner.  

But I feel good and am riding my indoor bike some and doing light weights daily.  I walk for an hour plus without difficulty, so there is good reason to be grateful fhere or what I can do and how far I have come.

Tomorrow, more treatment and more medication.  I never dreamed I would be taking so much stuff.  Also, I have to have more protein and fewer green leafy vegetables, which has turned my entire eating plan around.  My life has been turned around, too, with a 10 lb lifting restriction  for the last two months.  It's the new me, but do I like this guy as much?  

This is a serious disease, I am fighting and I realize that I could be more grateful; grateful for the medical people who have helped me along this journey, grateful for the health I have now despite all the drugs and downtime.  But, I can be more grateful for sure for all the prayers offered by so many people on my behalf.  Thinking about it, being prayer for is pretty special.    

# 9 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- The Second Round of Treatments Done

It's been quite the journey so far.  Today, I finished my second of countless sessions of chemotherapy.  I get a week off, now.  

In my sessions in the infusion room, I have met and talked to several patients, many of whom are worse off than I am.  Their stories sometimes seem almost bizarre in the things that they have had to confront, endure,  and overcome.  

Out there in the world,  these strong, resilient people may not look like much, but they are warriors of the highest order.  They fight their battles in obscure places, often in silence, sometimes alone, with little applause.  

Some are not alone, and their caregivers have selflessly rearranged their own lives in the service of their loved ones.   They are warriors too, and their stories of overcoming in caretaking are often amazing.  

And yet, most still can smile and even laugh.  Most have a grip on the day and live it out this day with as much joy as they can manage.  And most of those I have talked to have an abiding faith, made stronger by all they have had to endure.  Their pain has forged their faith into their greatest weapon against despair.

# 8 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- "Face in the Mud Humility"

 Looking back after writing down all that has happened to me and the challenges I was and am still faced with, it leaves me with a sense of awe.  Awe not in what I did or endured, but how it all worked out.  Truly, Romans 8:28 applies here:

"All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose."

No way I could have experienced the level of dependency on God if I had not been placed "between the sword and the stone," so to speak.  When you can contemplate your own death and be accepting of it, I  think you reach a new level of being.  Things are different.  You have reached that level of "face in the mud humility. "  

When I have fervently prayed for others out in the woods at my prayer spot, I  would often put my face into the leaves and pray.  My view is that the pride of a person is in his face.  When the face is humbled, perhaps pride can be put aside in humility to get closer to God in prayer.  

The goal now is not to bend into the world and all the problems, not worried about when facing life and death, but always recall and renew that level of humility by remembering all God brought me to and through and all He still has in store. 

# 7 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- I Am Grateful

 Second round of Chemo this week and the next.   Actually, I feel really good.  Perhaps, the year has been plagued by this cancer all along, leading to easy injuries and nights of sleep lost?  Can't say.  

I am walking daily for an hour or more nonstop, and I do some light weight exercises, plus I walk up and down stairs to get the cardio up. Everything is working, and in fact, I am gaining weight.  Gaining weight on chemo?  

But, most importantly, I still feel close to God in all this.  A little success and feeling much better hasn't made me forget how I got here, and all He has brought me through.  My goal is to remain grateful to God, no matter what happens next 

So many people are praying for me and I want to remain grateful for that.  Sometimes, I can almost feel their prayers.  I would have never experienced that if hard times had not come upon me this year.  This morning I am grateful.  I am blessed.  Praise God.