#27 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Thou Art With Me

 

The treatment this week left me antsy and alert.  So alert, in fact, that I had trouble going to sleep the night of treatment.  I didn't sleep much that night.  I wasn't nervous or tense, but life just flowed through my thoughts, and I just couldn't shut them off. 

Consequently, I keep looking for the fatigue crash.  I have never felt this kind of fatigue.  Oh, in training and such, I've been that tired, but the deep bone marrow fatigue seems more than fatigue by itself.  It's a different feeling coming from these drugs, and it can get scary.  So far this week, I have not had one of these episodes.  I notice its absence, but I don't miss it at all. 

Last night I slept really well, and I hope that will abate any downturn. I hope so, as we have a winter storm coming and there may be issues I want to attend to with a clear head. 

At the same time, I have been doing less screen time and reading my Bible more, plus commentaries and such.  Last night I read some of the Psalms and went to bed with such a quiet spirit; it's no wonder I slept so well.  And all this tells me that behind all the protocols and treatments, there is a hope now, and hope forevermore. 

"Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me."

#26 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Diversity

 

The weekend and I don't feel all that bad. I have talked to prayer warriors in the last few days and feel blessed by the love of God shown out through these fine people.  And so Monday, I go on into another week of therapy.  Amazing, but almost a third of it is almost done.  

When folks ask me to tell the story, it still amazes me that I got through all that.  But I know I didn't come through it alone.  God put the right people in the right places on my behalf.  And they weren't all Christians like me.  Think of this:  A Hindu doctor, who liked a Christian patient well enough to make a phone call to a Muslim oncologist, who saw me within a couple of hours, where I was treated by a Hispanic head nurse. 

We all hit it off really well, and it is going as well as chemotherapy can be expected to go.  I find it encouraging that the emphasis was not on our differences, but on the common goal and purpose of fighting cancer.  It seems to show that as a people, we can work together for the common good. regardless of our differences, to make a better world for us all.

#25 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Endurance Sports and Cancer

 It has been a good week, so far.  No deep-down fatigue episodes, and I am sleeping a little better.  The miles of the journey go on.  What started as miles of the journey to an ironman finish has evolved through the years to a journey through a cancer diagnosis and treatment.   

The tasks and the trials are in principle, the same. It is amazing how the life and consequent training for endurance sports so accurately depict the struggle of life itself.  In my own life with cancer, I see I need the same tools to get through treatment and therapies that I needed to get through bad patches of training for events.  

Aging up has shown me that there is really not much new under the sun, so to speak. There seems to be a certain set of principles in life that are foundational to everything else, and they don't change.  They appear in different settings and situations, but they don't change, even then.  It is like a quote that goes something like "you can't break the law. You can only break yourself against it." 

So today life and treatment are on a gentle downhill where the pedaling is easier, and the breeze feels good on my face. Praise God for this day.  Tomorrow, who knows, I may be praising Him in the storm.

#24 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Preparing for the Final Race

 This week wasn't one of the best.  It seems like the treatment is slowly wearing me down.  Sleep is never that great, so that could have something to do with it, but I sleep some to catch up during the day.  However, it appears that fatigue is one of the hallmarks of this disease, and I may have to contend with it from now on.   It isn't what I hoped for, but it's the hand dealt.  

And the journey goes on to who knows where and when.  This is the course I set upon, and until it's over for me, I guess I will tolerate and endure, much like in an endurance event.  It would seem I have been training for this event all my life.  Every race I've run has been preparing me for this final race.  Thank you, God, for the great life of preparation  you've given me for entering into your Presence

         

#23 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- A Lot to Give Up

 Treatment went Ok yesterday, and so far no serious side effects.  Yesterday slept most of the afternoon post-treatment.  So far, no serious wired-up feeling from the treatment, as has been the case.  The problem with being wired up is that I talk too much, and add that to my normal talking too much, I think I become a little unbearable.  

Another problem with wired-up is that I try to do too much.  There is just a thin membrane separating restraint from doing too much physical stuff. The wired-up feel just breaks that membrane and turns all the dogs loose to chase the squirrel.  Then I get a fatigue setback, which takes a couple of days from which to recover.  

But sometimes now, after months of limited activity.  its almost worth it.  The going up might be worth the coming down. Perhaps physical deactivation would have happened soon due to aging up soon?   But it's a lot to give up and sometimes I protest because I want it all back

But there is a lack of gratitude I see here.  I forget that at 80, I could do almost what I could do at 40, except run fast.    I forget that physically, I have been seriously blessed by God to have had all those great times.  I forget that I didn't ever start doing triathlons until age 57 and then did 53 of those. And hard work, like splitting my firewood, I just quit that a few months ago.  How easily I forget all I  have been given.

God has given me much, but like Jesus says, "to whom much is given, much is required. And now I think what is required is to "run the race that is set before, looking to God, the author and finisher of my faith."  And be more grateful.

#22 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- The Event of Eternity

 The end of another week.  I am not going to church because the flu has been on the rise lately.  There is enough risk sitting for a couple of hours in the infusion room for my treatment with a bunch of sick people. Tuesday will be my next treatment day.  

I feel ok, not great, but not bad at all.  However, I seem to be losing weight.  We are not sure if it is the drugs or my diet, or a combo of both.  My diet has certainly become protein-centric.  My training hours have increased, so this could be part of the issue.  Funny, but the weight I am at now is the weight I wanted to get to in my long-ago ironman training. 

Sleep was fairly good last night.  I had one of those recurring dreams from long, long ago, about me trying to get to the start of my ironman.  In all the former dreams, I never made it, and I usually found myself lost somewhere in the city, noticing the time and realizing the ironman had started without me.  So it was with last night's dream.  I missed the start.  In that dream and the others before, I didn't get a lot of support or help to get to the starting line.  No one seemed to know what was going on and how important it was to me.  The people were nameless, faceless souls, embroiled in their own here and now, oblivious to me and others.

Sometimes I think that the devil makes me have these dreams to shame me, to disappoint me all over again about myself and the ironman, to skew my perception of others as uncaring.  But I am not going to believe the dream.  There is an ironman start for which I am already registered.  My name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.  And I won't get lost on the way to the start, because Jesus will be taking me there.  "There will be no more night."  There will be no more pain or disappointment.  I will begin the event of eternity with Jesus.

After all that I lived through lately, I know I was left here for some reason or some task yet to do.  Although I am not sure what that is (perhaps writing this blog).  But sometimes I think that I can't wait for my ironman with Jesus to begin.

#21 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- He is Here

 

The new year is upon us, and here I go, negotiating the "rapids of cancer" and the cancer treatment.  There is no rah-rah like a new event of challenge starting, just the steady drone of the plodding progress, of a quest left over to try to complete.

This stuff is much like the last leg of a marathon. There is a slow plodding, putting one foot ahead of another plan, to just finish. Making that comparison, I am about at mile six or seven of the 26.2 miles.  

Usually, in a marathon, you have an idea of the course.  You know what to do to optimize your chances of completing the 26.2 miles, and you have trained for the distance. 

There is no way to train for the cancer distance, and the course isn't always clearly marked.  There are surprises and setbacks along the way.  Prepare all you want by trying to eat right, getting enough sleep, and doing some exercise, but still it doesn't always pay off. 

There are good days and not quite as good days.  Some days I am tired and mentally listless from the start.  About the only thing that helps with that is exercise of some sort.  But, it is sooooo hard to get started sometimes, much like when you stop during the last phase of a marathon.  When you try to begin again, the whole body says, "No!!!  Stay here."  Thank goodness I  have had a lot of training in overcoming that voice from below.

I have had a lot of training in listening to the Voice from above.  Honestly, though, the Voice is not just above me but around and through and in me.  Through all the torment of the last years' pains, He always showed up, when I thought I couldn't take that next step and I realized He has been there all along.