#15 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Old News

 Treatment started on September 29th, and soon it will be 3 months.  Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now Christmas is in the air.  It is not surprising that my cancer and treatment are old news now.  

 What makes cancer so special anyway?  Everyone, it seems, carries a burden or health issue of some kind, and some may be more debilitating than cancer and cancer treatment.   

And, I seem to be having an easier time with it as I am back to doing most, not all, of what I did before all this happened to me.  There have been some things I have had to cut back and some to give up entirely, but overall, life is good.  Others with all sorts of other issues may not be in such a good place.  So why shouldn't I be old news?  Sure, cancer seems to say death, but life does too.   Cancer can seem to say suffering, but there is suffering in life for other causes too. 

I don't mind being old news.  I know people care and are watching to see that I will be OK.  But, my good results so far have taken the urgency off the critical care by others for me.  I am blessed, and I do know that should this all go south all of a sudden, then I will no longer be old news.  And like I told the nurse at the cancer center, "God's got this."  My news is in His hands. 

#14 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- Diamonds and Stones

Some days are diamonds and some days are just stones, nothing to write about but just getting through. Thankfully, I don't have many of those.  But the drugs sometimes bring me down, where all I want to do is sleep and just find a place and stare off in space for a long period of time.  Sometimes the drugs put me on an inner quiver, and sleeping isn't sound and I feel jittery and anxious constantly.  

But most days are diamonds.  My workouts have been consistent, and my walking and bike riding have been.  Most of the time, if I can just get moving, I have a better chance of having a diamond day.  

Today, my walk was going really well out in the woods.  The more I walked, the more I came to myself.  There is a place in those woods where I have fashioned a cross of rocks and have a rocking chair there.  It's where I have prayed for people over the years.  God seems to meet me there.  

The words didn't come for persistent prayer today.  It was as if God was saying  "Be still," and experience the quiet peace of His creation.   It was really quiet.  All I could hear was the sounds of the woods. As I rocked and listened,  peace settled in on me like a fog coming in. 

I didn't want to leave and wondered how long I could have stayed there basking in the peace God had revealed to me. Cancer has brought me closer to God. Whatever the outcome at the end of this journey, it is well with my soul.   It's been a diamond day.   Amen

#13 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- The Getting Through Cancer Treatment Ironman

 Yesterday I had the full load of drugs.  I am on once-a-week treatment now.  However, I have had a few minor  side effects. (facial flushing, insomnia, inner tenseness).  But I don't feel that bad and will go for a walk this morning.  

This limited lifestyle is having negative effects on me as I have a bad case of restless in all this.  I want to do more.  My memory is too good at thinking of all I could do just a year ago at this time.  My birthday is coming up, and I once did a pushup for every year plus one on that day.  Now, "don't do too much" is a persistent reminder and aggravator.  

I see a bike ride I might want to do.  No, what if I fall with this one condition?   And the half-ironman I always wanted to do opened up for next year about this time, but probably not for me.  I won't be off this program in time for the serious summertime training.   And there is always the danger that all this will get really bad. 

So, I guess my certain event is the GETTING THROUGH CANCER TREATMENT IRONMAN.  It requires no training but massive discipline and consistency, and complete trust in God for His presence and power, whatever, however, this event turns out. I  am blessed.

#12 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer---Song in the Night

 For some reason today, I am remembering all the painful, fitful nights I spent during this journey.   Sometimes, I just felt like giving up on sleep altogether. I don't know how I made it, but I did.  I do remember talking to God a lot, wondering what this was for and why.  I guess faith held up in that seemingly never-ending storm. 

Ordinarily, giving up would be the order of the day.  At night, in the pain, in the dark, alone and uncomfortable, one might become desperate about life.  But I wasn't really alone.  I was never closer to God but I just didn't understand and still don't.  But as the song says, he was "my strength, my song in the night." 

And night after night, I made it through, though not sure how or how I could go on losing so much sleep.  Then, when the hospitalization came, there were more nights I needed and received that strength and heard that "song in the night."  I survived thanks to God, but it was a mile of the journey that changed me.  I've grown so much closer to God, and that song in the night can be heard more and more in my heart. 

#11 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer--

 My birthday is coming up soon, and I wonder if I will see another one.  Last year, I did a pushup for every year plus one, in case I couldn't do that this year.  This year I will use my extra pushup.  

Cancer adds an intensity of awareness to life.  It emphasizes its brevity and its moment-by-moment value.  And gratitude and tolerance come easier.    Shams and drama are easier to ignore.  Use of remaining time, is a more discerning endeavor.  I am not afraid to do nothing but sit and pray or just relax in nature.  Things to do are still with me, but letting things go comes much easier. 

Being alone is often sought, although I have experienced through many days and nights of hardship and pain, that I am never alone. God is with me.  It's Emanuel, all over again, like at Christmas, "God is with us." And I am glad of that, that "resurrection, that truth and the life" that I believe and place my assurance in, now and evermore.

# 10 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer-- I Could Be More Grateful

 The journey continues.  It is to be a year of treatment and I don't know how to make it go any faster.   There is concern about what is waiting to ambush me around the corner.  

But I feel good and am riding my indoor bike some and doing light weights daily.  I walk for an hour plus without difficulty, so there is good reason to be grateful fhere or what I can do and how far I have come.

Tomorrow, more treatment and more medication.  I never dreamed I would be taking so much stuff.  Also, I have to have more protein and fewer green leafy vegetables, which has turned my entire eating plan around.  My life has been turned around, too, with a 10 lb lifting restriction  for the last two months.  It's the new me, but do I like this guy as much?  

This is a serious disease, I am fighting and I realize that I could be more grateful; grateful for the medical people who have helped me along this journey, grateful for the health I have now despite all the drugs and downtime.  But, I can be more grateful for sure for all the prayers offered by so many people on my behalf.  Thinking about it, being prayer for is pretty special.    

# 9 Miles of the Journey Through the Rapids of Cancer- The Second Round of Treatments Done

It's been quite the journey so far.  Today, I finished my second of countless sessions of chemotherapy.  I get a week off, now.  

In my sessions in the infusion room, I have met and talked to several patients, many of whom are worse off than I am.  Their stories sometimes seem almost bizarre in the things that they have had to confront, endure,  and overcome.  

Out there in the world,  these strong, resilient people may not look like much, but they are warriors of the highest order.  They fight their battles in obscure places, often in silence, sometimes alone, with little applause.  

Some are not alone, and their caregivers have selflessly rearranged their own lives in the service of their loved ones.   They are warriors too, and their stories of overcoming in caretaking are often amazing.  

And yet, most still can smile and even laugh.  Most have a grip on the day and live it out this day with as much joy as they can manage.  And most of those I have talked to have an abiding faith, made stronger by all they have had to endure.  Their pain has forged their faith into their greatest weapon against despair.